Wednesday, 20 May 2015

New Building - The Facts

What with the plans for the New Building looking like an Ikea that has been taken over by German Nationalists (and, no, not that kind), we thought we would apprise our readers of some of the other facts that have arisen since the release of the plans.
  • The Front Cage is dead. Long live the Front Cage. Part of the New Building will be built atop half of the front cage. The other half, between the Science Block and the site, will be 'landscaped'. In the plans, there are mentions of possible grass and ganja farms ecology areas.
  • The Back Cage is dead. Long live the Back Cage. The astroturf will be levelled to make way for the sports hall, although this damning revelation is softened by the two half-size pitches being created. The back area will remain slopey (not in a Clarkson way) as they can't be arsed to landscape it properly, and probably ran out of money, so random hills will do.
  • The Hall will be considerably smaller. Whilst the atrium seems to be so large it has its own
    Ordinance Survey map, the Hall will be far smaller than the current one, allegedly fitting only one year group at a time. This will make examination difficult, and the bulk of exams are set to take place in the sports block being built at the back of the campus, which will disrupt P.E.
  • Where's the House gone? According to the plans, the temporary portacabins that have been affectionately named the I.E.U are to be removed, and the pastoral care block that also doubles as a bikeshed behind which teachers can smoke will be removed, begging the question as to where students with issues are going to go (presumably they will be told to keep it to themselves and never tell anyone until they have a breakdown).
  • There will be only one dining room. Yeah, they seem to be doing away with the current system that works of each year having a Year Room, and instead Years 8-11 will have to dine together at lunch.
  • There will be an outdoor space for Year 7. This outdoor space is billed as being exclusively for Year 7's and consists of a patch of grass where the Front Cage used to be, between the New Building and the Science Block. We're not entirely sure how they are going to enforce the Year-7-only rule, especially with the school's past record.
  • The length of the New Building. On the one side, the New Building is set to come just feet away from the DTI building, creating a possible point of congestion (like ur m0m) as well as another possible light block (see the last New Building article). On the other side, the New Building will come within feet of the perimeter fence, leading to a resident lodging a complaint about possible overshadowing which, since the plans have been approved, we can assume was delightfully ignored.
  • We can confirm both the Quad and the pond will be removed during the works. This is
    because the New Building will be a nat's chuff away from the Ingrish Block, and so there simply won't be enough space. This has lead (now former) UQIP leader Abdi Garage to protest: "Where are we to dunk our Year 7's for witchcraft? Where are we to watch stupid Year 8's think they can walk on ice?!" (For any idiots reading this, that last sentence was bollocks)

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