The Redpitch and East Cricklewood constituency has been rocked today by a shock election result.
Many commentators on the situation had pegged United Quad Independence Party (UQIP) candidate Abdi Garage as likely winner of the seat, but many bets were lost when the central government announced the elected leader was a Mr. Jacques Szturgeonkowski, of the Scottish Leadership Team.
Jacques, who has led the constituency, much to the dismay of his constituents, for the past nine years, did so previously under the Cooperative Union of Narcissistic Totalitarianists and UQIP. Under UQIP, he recently shot to fame after he was caught threatening to shoot a fellow candidate. The candidate said he would get his big brother to come 'nank him up'. He then shot the candidate, and phoned his prospective university.
In a statement, Jacques explained his unexpected win by saying, "Hahaha, I am the boss. I win. You all have no power and no say." Opposition leader Ded Millipede came out and said that Jacques was behaving akin to a 'Kim-Jong-Un-like Dictator', to which Jacques replied "ur mom, that's racist." Millipede then replied with "ur mom wished she had used a better nondom." Jacques then accepted he was a dictator, and had the Opposition leader shot. All that was left was Green candidate Sylvia Ryver-Raine who said "Uh-dh-kk... Hr-du-ur...su-hh-jg." before bursting Into tears. She was shot as well.