Tuesday, 9 February 2016

A day in the Hampstead Trash Offices

We sent renowned documentary maker and GCSE Media student, Louis Thepoux, to spend a day in the offices of the Hampstead Trash, observing the comings and goings of the largest online news vendor in Norf Weezie. With a staff of several thousand journalists, the Trash has quickly become one of the most prolific and up-to-date publications (as can be seen from the News ticker above).

Only the cleaner is awake. She cleans. She takes out the Trash.

08:35 (no later)
Heywood Jablome, P I Staker and Phyllis Stine walk into their offices. We see Heywood Jablome try and check BBC News for the day’s stories, but gets distracted by a GIF of Michael Gove falling over.

After laughing at it for an hour, he goes to get some boost and a doughnut before finding P I Staker crying in a dark. He is sad because he was sent home from school yesterday for not having the right colour skin.

The Editorial Team assemble around the conference table and decide which article they are going to spend the day giggling at until they publish it later that night.

Giggling ensues.

After the Editorial meeting, the writers get to work. On average, 98% of the daily content is scrapped, with only a lucky few writers making it onto the blog. The Hampstead Trash editorial team only allows pieces to be published that (1) do not offend the Head in any way, shape or form, (2) do not insinuate that there is a chance that every government is corrupt, (3) are poorly spellchecked, (4) are full of sweary-sweary-words that would upset little Timmy in Year 7, (5) include some form of motivational message next to a picture of a sunset (or something equally motivational) or a misquoted random article from the UNCRC.

The Trash’s proprietor, Sir Rupert Zaloom, enters the offices. He stops off at Jablome’s desk and demands the language of the articles be ‘fruiter’ and the writings ‘madder’. Jablome explains that 42% of the writing staff are already tripping balls on LSD perpetually after their last dispatches from behind the bikeshed. He says this is not good enough, and that we are losing readers to the stiff and fraught competition of the ETC. and the Buzz. He leaves in cloud of pink smoke leaving only a kestrel and a pineapple.

Special correspondent Julie La Sange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

Political correspondent and insider for the Trash, Cllr Hugh G. Rection, comes in for a meeting, and to drop off his latest story about a Tory councillor sticking their Johnson in something untoward. The pineapple now makes sense.

Phyllis Stine receives an anonymous tip-off that Abdi Corbyn has done something utterly outrageous and intolerable. After spilling molten pizza sauce on the phone, then taking a twenty-minute break at eleven, she gets to work filling the day’s Corbyn’s-outrageous-and-intolerable-acts slot.

Jablome and E. Rex Sean take a private room to interview Maximillian Oscar-Oolong, who denies Marcus Kengtun, for it is he, ever stirred up a saucy pina colada. He does allude to one poultry feast he had with one Lord Abdicroft, in which he says that there may have been a certain ‘pheasant’ experience. This explains the kestrel.

Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

Phyllis Stine returns from the councillors’ office with news of the Abdi Corbyn snafus for the day. They include proposing that cost-cutting measures should including taking away knives and forks from school dinners, student simply having to smash their faces into the boiling hot gruel, using Steven the school’s tut-tut pulling panda as a replacement for the school minibus, and that the Hampstead School compulsory red armbands may be ‘a bit offensive’.

Penn Name receives word (from someone else's answering machine) that the school have left the sexuality, as perceived by the teachers, of every student in the school on an excel file on the shared server. Racing to pursue, Penn Name adopts an alias and rushes into the school to acquire the document, ask some sources for a quote, and see who is a battyman.

Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

Penn Name rushes back into the offices to talk to the other about the story and get to writing it. However, as it is too close to 1:20, he stops for a 45-minute lunch break (as God intended).

The Editorial team now has the tough decision of choosing which of the stories to run with. As with any lightning-fast, serious news service, they decide to sit on the excel-gate story, even though the school has already reported it to the Hague, as well as the Abdi Corbyn story and the pineapple-ring article, and instead run with ’10 Ways to Suck Up to your Headteacher Involving Jelly’. Proud of their day’s work, they publish the article and go home early.

The writers, finding themselves behind the bikesheds, decide to unwind after a long, hard day (especially for a Hugh G. Rection) by experiencing some of the Ecology.

Special correspondent Julie LaSange is still stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a spoof. Nothing in it is true; we're too poor to have an office.

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