The Decapitated Head writes:
I am outraged – outraged, I tell you – at what has been said by students on this blog in the past three years! If I had my way (as most of the time I do) all of them would be expelled from this school at once for seditious and defamatory remarks, regardless of whether or not they are true. Three years I have sat idly by, keeping my silence, stonewalling these cretins at the behest of my PR consultants Abdi & Abdi. All I've wanted to do all this time is to respond to these people, tell them how they are so wrong about me in so many ways (I do not look anything like Gordon Brown), but to engage with the enemy is to vindicate them. However, this week my unimpeachable moral fibre and media spin was bent to the will of students, and so I will use this Op-Ed to state a response to all the years of 'student speech'.
Before I go on, I wanted to first say that the school has recently had a 5-Year-Trend (two years ago) that we are all very proud of, as well as winning many various awards in the past term including being awarded Level 2 Human Rights Violating School, which is something that I can now tick of the bucket list, and makes every student feel as if they are part of some wider Hampstead ethos.
The students who have taken time out of their many possible learning minutes to voice their concerns about the school and the way its run are all that's wrong with society. Free speech has gone too far, and it is blogs like this one that inspire people to become radicals and go off to fight holy jihad. These anarchists are what's to blame for every problem in society. If I had my way, I would find a way of shipping them off to camps so they cannot be made to cause problems in my – I mean our – school and society.
Let me address some of the so-called 'home truths' this blog has been seen to be propagating about Hampstead. Firstly, the Student Council is very effectual, and have been responsible for many notable and great things that have passed into the school's policy, such as that time when I listened to them about... such as... when...
Secondly, league tables are the least of my worries. Under my headship we have proven to be so bad at engineering our pupils into exam machines that would rank us highly that it hardly seems worthwhile attempting anything in that direction. No, instead I have made it my life's work to make every student look as similar as humanly possible. Where eugenics has failed me, terrible tailoring and imposing staff will succeed. That is my vision for Hampstead.
Thirdly, I so am not aggressive, divisive, egotistical, vindictive and childish. They were unfair to me! Just because my face is on every piece of paper the school prints and I have already commissioned a 10-foot alabaster statue of me for the completion of the new build does not mean I am self-obsessed. This blog claims I have ignored the wills of students, staff, teachers and parents alike as I strive for my own personal betterment, especially in the media, and have used my position of power to treat people unfairly. Well, I have no idea of what they are talking about (as I have chosen to ignore anything I don't like, including up until now this pain-in-the-backside of a blog), but whoever they are I will either expel them or have them fired!
And finally, I work very hard trying to claim money off of the business manager for my many pet projects that cast the school in a slightly better light. The reason why I do this is, lets face it, with this blog hanging around like a stink bomb in the English corridor, and the fact that the school and its contents looks like a series babushka turds, I have to clutch at any straws I can and staple them to the bottom of our letter heads to make the school look even infinitesimally better than it looked when I came here ten years ago.
And I said all of that without swearing once thank you!
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously not the work of the real Head, and as a spoof, any thoughts, feelings, opinions, expressions and beliefs are entirely fictitious, concocted by the editors of this blog. But it would be nice if it was real, wouldn't it?