Op-Ed #8

Nathaniel Maskelyne van Reit Woolley III writes:

Wheh-ha! Wiff-waff! A-he! It’s all got jolly heated this week over the Norf Weezie Union independence referendum, a lot like the good old days of heated discussions in the, ar, gents’ showers after a meaty game of ruggers. Mwah!

Now, er, I’m not saying anyone who believes we should, er, remain in the union is wrong per se, or that, ar, we should be telling people which way to vote, but they simply wrong, and if they vote to stay, they are, well, buffoons.

It is a fact of this campaign that the, ar, Remain side is determined to use scaremongering tactics to win votes. What people must understand is that if we, er, stay in we will be handing over our freedom, and will live out our lives as economic slaves. I would rather give you – the public – reassurances, and disperse some of the speculation over trade.

In this great school we export – I can tell you – bicycles, from our manufacturing base in the DT sweatshops Block to clown circuses around the world, we export cake (yellow cake) in all types of dense and glutinous forms, asbestos to cold Soviets – they love our asbestos in Russia. If we leave, are they going to put up their tariffs? No! Because they want to sell us their cheese, and tobacco, and, er, not tobacco. Are all those countries going to deprive their firms the incredible access to capital in the Quad market where we, er, import so many, ah, of their cookies? Of course they won’t. It’s time to ignore the pessimists and, ar, the merchants of gloom (Abdi Corbyn I’m looking at you).

The in campaigners have used a lot of, what I call, er, Case Studies, as so-called ‘hard’ evidence towards the ghastly points they make. A lot of them are terribly misunderstood and twisted cases, post hoc ergo proctor hoc, and just don’t bear any relation to the, ar, cold hard logic the population deserves. A-wibble.

DISCLAIMER: You know the spiel; none of the views in the articles are ours. Some of the content is lifted from a speech by the man himself, the Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, and cunningly changed to appeal to voters in this summer’s Should-I-Stay-Or-Should-I-Go referendum in school.