SHOCK HORROR: Teenagers Enjoy Sleeping

According to a new Science Department controlled assessment study, a lack of legitimate sleep is turning teenagers into ‘walking zombies’.

Using startling inaccurate primary evidence, and obviously fabricated secondary evidence, the study concluded that a lack of sleep amongst teenagers was having an adverse effect on motor functions and awareness, leaving students moving around slowly, grumbling unintelligibly and being repelled by sunlight. According to a researcher on the team, Abdi Pavlov, the only motor function exhibited in any meaningful way by the teen ‘zombies’ was "the ability to move their hand up and down."

Reactionary columnist Melissa Truculent-Views said the findings were “merely leftie-liberal propaganda excuses for kids being lazy sods who have been allowed to not do an honest day's work in their life”, whilst known idiot Quentin Barble-Parble argued without reading the study that the cause of the findings“must be down to the copious amounts of violent video games and hours on  facetwatchat that are warping their minds”. However, the study concluded that the blame of such lack of sleep for teens were late-night distractions, such as phones, tablets and each other, as well as the school's 8:35 start.

To view the original, real, non-spoof, BBC News article, click here.