Shutdown

In the light of the implementation of the terrorist ‘Shutdown’ protocol, head of school security G. Faure-Esse has been criticised recently for taunting possible threats.

In a public statement, the head of security – who currently presides over the illegally imported chicken and doughnuts taskforce – said of cell-enabled bombers “ring ring pussy, its shutdown” and of seasonal terrorists targeting summer events “fashion week and its shutdown”.

Asked to comment on the statement, he Head responded by saying “that’s not me”. Director of the school’s PR and propaganda Josef Sztalinkowski was quick to retract the remarks made by G. Faure-Esse, adding “please don’t hurt us”.

However, this is not the first time the school’s head of security has been in the media; three months ago he was lambasted for accidentally painting red all the doors of classrooms with thick kids in, and before that was told off for beating a Year 7 “in full view of prospective parents, which is simply criminal”.

The new ‘Shutdown’ measures are said to include a number of top-secret anti-terror procedures in the event of an attack, however the Trash can reveal that some of these measures include a large hole covered in branches and leaves, a banner that says “No terrorists allowed”, a new uniform policy that disallows AK-47’s on site, a crank-that-hits-a-boot-which-knocks-over-the-bucket-that-rolls-the-ball-down-the-wibbly-wobbly-stairs-along-the-tube-and-hits-the-stick-that-pushes-the-bigger-ball-into-the-bathtub-that-hits-the-plank-that-flips-the-man-into-the-pool-which-knocks-the-cage-down-the-stick-and-onto-the-terrorists, and some sirens to shove in their ears.

DISCLAIMER: This is not true. You cannot play mouse trap with a terrorist.