Op-Ed #13

Didier Poisson, ex-Leader of the Astroturf Nation Party, writes:

I am dismayed, and I am disgusted! Disgusted at the level of scaremongering occurring in both camps of the Norf Weezie Union Referendum Debate. Despite being a remainer myself, I have been abhorred by my own side as well as those swivel-eyed ganja-monkeys campaigning to leave.

In the past week alone we have heard threats that leaving would incur Whitefield War Three (WW3) and that the NWU was akin to "Hipsters' desire to control all of Camden". Of all the facts and forecasts, we have heard threats that in either case jellies would be shrunk, pigeon consumption would fall, CaterLink would continue to serve 'meals' and Meral's (blessed be they) would never rise again. Planners would only get larger and heavier, blazers would lose their figure-hugging shape and Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye would be deported (for coming from the Republic of Ayeland).

Enough, I say, enough! No more of this negativity. The Hampstead - and more importantly Astroturf - population is sick of the schoolboy hurling of ad hominem abuse. No more "you smell", "your mum" and "no your mum"; these grave pars have to end. From now onwards we should not act like quarrelling teens, but have positive campaigns that outline the positive case for either side.

Some readers may think it odd that not two years ago I was fully in favour of leaving another union, that of the one with the greater Hampstead, and so would assume that I would be equally campaigning for us to leave this union. However, many things were different back then; we were trying to come out of an undemocratic system where we had little sovereignty over our own land, with most of it being given away to an unelected leader many miles away who could overrule us on many decisions, all in the interest of the economy and shared borders. Totally different.

The key thing is that if Hampstead votes to leave, the Astroturf will undoubtedly have another referendum within two years on our membership with Hampstead, as we may want to rejoin the NWU. And what will Hampstead do without its blessed artificial playing field?


DISCLAIMER: The editor would like readers to note that, since the building work began, the Astroturf is now an irrelevance, and it seems Mr Poisson is living in the past. Thank god a fish-based figure no longer leads the ANP. As always, this is a spoof, yadee yadee yada...