Almost halfway through exam season, the school’s chances of bribing their way to decent GCSE results are slipping away faster than the Head’s grasp on reality. Fearing a repeat of last year's "RIP 5-year-trend", the management have unveiled one of many in a series of groundbreaking initiatives, this one tentatively titled "study leave".
After weeks of deep thought and several trips behind the now-defunct bikeshed, an intense journey of contemplation and self-discovery has lead the management to the conclusion that perhaps students may do better in exams if they are actually allowed to revise instead of being forced to attend lessons which serve absolutely no purpose as they have already sat the exams for them.
Even more remarkable than this epiphany, however, is the fact that the stubborn-as-a-mule SLT found it somewhere within their asbestos-coated hearts to change their minds. A mere two weeks ago, a certain fellow proudly (and nasally) declared: "We don't do study leave because we know it doesn't work!". The dull words clattered against the dull walls in a dull, dull school. His eyes darting wildly, he seemed pleased with the low groans of discontent that reverberated around the dark cavern they called a "hall".
We would like to believe that they have taken the well-being of students into consideration, but with the needless instruction of "tuck in yer shirts" even as students walk into exams, it is hard not to believe this is just the culmination of 5 years of apathetic management. Who knows? All we can say is that after a week of "study leave", steel production is up by 500% and the times have never looked so good.