Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Cookie Vendors Go Biometric

After much deliberation, Hampstead's largest cookie vendor's union, the Socially Enabled Longitudinal Latitudinal Eating Rights Society (SELLERS), has announced plans to adopt a biometric system for purchases, with users being asked to give little more than "not much" personal data.

Eating rights activist Abdi (Year 11), rumoured to have links with major cookie cartels in the former East Quad, described a series of violent altercations between fake buyers and cartel sellers. These frequent scuffles, known colloquially (to the Norf Weezy Yutes) as "jackups" or "stickdowns", typically depend upon a collective unwilligness to "talk to the feds". Forcing people to reveal their bloodshot eyes to HD cameras and asking them a series of increasingly personal questions would make would-be thieves just a little bit less bothered, Abdi said.

Security analyst Tren D. said that this was very cyberpunk, and that SELLERS "will probably only leave a small fraction of their users' data in a publicly accessible place - definitely no more than four hundred".

At the time of press, Abdi (Year 10), fell victim to mob justice, after selling Abdi (Year 11) a 3-week-old triple chocolate chip cookie. After the adept application of leeches and salt by emergency medical technicians, Abdi (Year 10), was seen - his face largely obscured by bandages - reading a trashy leaflet, boldly titled "SELLERS is going biometric. What does this mean for you?".

DISCLAIMER: This article is an obvious spoof - Hampstead's cookie sellers have being using biometrics since 2005, the industry being famous for extensive body modification, virtual experiences and adventures in cyberspace.

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