Wednesday, 23 November 2016

SLT Announce Post-Referendum Budget

The Chancellor today released his first official statement on the state of the United Quad economy since the referendum to leave the Greater Cricklewood Alliance in June. Mr Hammondrey today announced (from a rather low down position due to the lack of a stage in the hall) that the SLT would miss it's target of a pizza surplus in the Summer Term. Instead students were told that the school is to shrink jellies by 5% and borrow 68 billion cookies over the next academic year, in addition to increasing the generic energy drink tolerance threshold to 11,500 grams of sugar. It must be noted that the school has said that jellies will not shrink any further after this term.

A major policy U-turn was made today in the economic statement. Previously condoning fees charged by cookie dealers, today the SLT announced that East Quad would follow their Western counterparts in banning the fees. This is projected to save consumers a grand total of 5p per cookie. However, it is unlikely that the "trickle-down" effects of this cost cutting measure will ever reach Year 8s who think they're bigman.

Vice Student Council Leader, Abdi "Do you wanna go?" McDonald's™ attacked the SLT for “regurgitating old policies they’ve already failed on” before claiming that “this Autumn Statement represents ten wasted years of abject Headship failure”. He also claimed that the Mr Hammondrey's U-turn on dealer's fees was just a rip-off of students' ideas from the 2015 council elections.

Hammondrey's first Autumn Statement is also set to be his last. After having had "a cosy old chat" with Supreme Leader SzmeresaMaykowski, the Chancellor today announced his decision to abolish the Autumn Statement. When queried by reporters, the Chancellor frankly stated that he "can't be arsed". Business analyst Abdi Tryhard Skeen said the Chancellor's move to abolish "yet another televised slog of rhetoric and jargon [...] kinda made sense — none of the other verbosely congruent schools have so many needless contrapunctual policy changes right in the middle of term".

No comments:

Post a Comment