Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Head Goes Berserk Over Christmas Dinner Turkey Shortage

During Hampstead's infamous Christmas Dinner, like the old bag of joy that he is, old Papa Jaqqq himself expressed fury at a shortage of tasteless soggy turkey, shouting "I'm not taking this!", before storming into Caterlink's miserable allotment of space in the dining hall for a stern word with the staff.

Calling for SLT backup, the disembodied Head shockingly appeared to be taking an active interest in the quality of students' experiences. Or so it may have seemed. Those familiar with the Head's vindictive rage may instead take the Head's outburst as a sign of seasonal flu and moderate egomania.
New head, who dis?

Funnily enough however, nothing much improved, and after a few minutes of what were presumably terse negotiations, a bucket load of turkey somehow more stale than the last materialised. Why anyone would wish such a thing on innocent students is beyond us.

Like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, the meal was cruddy. With Christmas music (whatever that is) blaring at obscene volumes, and a 'strong Christian aesthetic' (in the form of a Christmas tree and mince pies), many were left wondering why they bothered at all. In line with a 5-year trend of budget cuts, Hampstead's ratty tables did not feature the basket of preservative rich sweets that students know and love so well.

Sam Anella, of Caterlink, said although he could not be with Hampstead on "this fine and noble day", wished moderate satisfaction and a generally enhanced feeling of laziness to all. We invite our readers to (after having filled themselves with scalding hot gravy) tip their hats to the man.

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