Fear Trumps Hope

Last Friday, DoNaldé Trump was sworn in as 45th Councillor-in-Chief. What exactly does that mean? The Trash finds out.

In his inauguration address, Trump declared that "for far too long many Hampstedeans have let Hampsteadean values get in the way of Hampsteadean interests", calling on "ordinary, hard-working Hampsteadeans" to "drain the [metaphorical] swamp". As there is no one 'ordinary' or 'hard-working' at Hampstead, we have no idea who he was preaching to.

Trump introduced "two simple rules: buy CaterLink, and eat CaterLink". While Hampstead's slave-and-human-meat industry has been largely isolated from the global system of trans-national trade blocks, Trump's comments imply the introduction of powerful new legislation to dispose of those damaging the uniquely American industry of combined food and labour sources by importing slaves Year 7s. However, the remarks sparked fear for nearby vendors, with trade deals becoming less profitable or likely from Sam's or KFC.

Several key notions were introduced in Trump's short-but-not-sweet speech, such as the theft of entire companies by a fleet of helicopters and steel cables, a variety of nationalistic socialism (Sound familiar? - Ed), and a redistribution of power to the people along similar lines. Trump said he was taking back power from the elitist establishment and giving it back to the students, missing the irony of being in the top 1% of earners and, now, part of the establishment.

Ironically, although perhaps not intentionally, Trump prefaced his speech by thanking Osama - I mean - Obama, an activity typically performed for the purposes of mockery by right populists, or by others as a genuine expression of thanks that Obama, despite his involvement in many, many instances of warfare over territory in the Middle-East Block, at least gives the impression that he is something of a decent human being.