Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Less Than 20% Of "Fresh Trims" Actually Fresh, Study Finds

New research by scientists at The Norf Weezy Institute for Cultural and Aesthetic Studies has revealed that less than 20% of "fresh trims" are actually fresh.

Using complex statistical analysis, the team of leading research scientists based at the Institute for Cultural and Aesthetic Studies were able to determine that pretty much any alteration to ones hairline will garner at least 8 declarations of freshness within the first day, with the second and third days featuring incrementally less praise, until the desperate attempts of a yung yout to counteract the widespread cultural disintegration of the age, by projecting a ready-made conceptual mold in the form of a friendly greeting onto others and their actions, are relegated to the realm of the subconscious.

Crucially however, closer examination revealed that not all trims are created equal, with most trims having a freshness half-life below the legal minimum for freshness:

Where t is the time since the trim, and N is the number of times someone has gone out of their way to say "fresh trim", the formula shows that the verbal accolade afforded to most trims is far less on the second, third and fourth days than it is on the ideal fresh trim as defined by the Aesthetic and Statistics Manual XI. True fresh trims, it has emerged, stay sharper than a buzz-cut for weeks, even months on end, with the approving remarks per day decay ratio being on average 61 times less than the mediocre trims sported by most.

Critics of the study have argued that while the efforts of the Norf Weezy Institute for Cultural and Aesthetic Studies to quantify and calcify the "dynamic and spontaneous Big Other embodied in the vital river of youth culture" are noble, they didn't use a control variable.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof. 

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