Wednesday, 10 May 2017

ETC Director Fired

Headteacher Jacques "Uncle Joe Sztalin" Szmellytroika has fired Jay M. S. Comey, director of ETC., Hampstead's largest news outlet, in a controversial move that has inspired shocked reaction throughout the East Block. 

Prior to being fired, Director Comey headed the ongoing investigation into the SLT's connections with Russia, which was expected to uncover "significant evidence" of "collusion". An investigative dossier, written entirely in Comic Sans, is said to have gone missing from Comey's office. When Trash reporters attempted to gain access to ETC's headquarters, next to the first floor toilet in the English block, they were threatened with police action, shoved, and warned that they were "next".

The official reason for Comey's dismissal is the recent discovery of a chain of emails which detailed plans for ETC's fourth re-branding. Included in the "shocking" emails were a number of draft articles, said to contain language "far too fruity for the public". Student-English-department liaison and genuine Enid Blyton character Susie Bridgmington denied that ETC had any plans to publish satire in the future.

Comey's dismissal is said to have taken place in a dark boardroom. It is believed that the decapitated Head looked directly into Comey's eyes, pointed, and said "you're fired".

En route to Siberia the IEU, Comey reportedly took to Facebook live, saying:

      "First they came for the jellies, and I did not speak out because I went to Subway at lunchThen          they came for the Trash, and I did not speak out because I didn't write for the Trash. Then they            came for the anarchists, and I did not speak out because I was not an anarchist. Then they came          for me, and there was no one left to speak for me."

At a loyalty rally earlier today, President Nixon Mr Slzeazyloftsuite told enraptured students that a "new age is upon us", before leaving the stage, his huge leather cape trailing far behind him.

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