Friday, 21 July 2017

HEAD BOY Obituary

In a slight break from tradition, we got a past Head Boy of Hampstead school to submit their own obituary about their time at the school...

What’s up, f**knuggets?

You might recognise me as that twat that turned up to your assemblies last year and spewed bollocks about democracy while you did your best to ignore me. I don’t blame you. I’m writing this article to give you some valid advice feed my own raging ego share my irrelevant opinions on your school. Contrary to what literally no one might think, I never wrote an article for the Trash during my time at Hampstead, despite being an avid fan. The Trash represents an important part of student voice to me (and its f**king funny), but I haven’t always shared the full extent of its opinions. Hopefully, my obituary can bring some balance to the vitriolic and dangerously anarchist nature of the other articles being published this week.

Reading over Kinnan’s grand exit from a couple of years ago, I realised that we had fundamentally different experiences of Hampstead. While he experienced what he felt was a school in decline, my time has been more balanced. There have been some negative changes (RIP School Pond), and I didn’t have the most typical time**, but I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself there.

The teachers at Hampstead, like many teachers, are some of the best people in the world. For a start, they manage to deal with you little s**ts five days a week without even getting to hit you. More than that, they have some kind of pathological ability to actually care about you and your futures. Appreciate them.

My opinions on the school management are slightly more varied. Certainly, I don’t reserve anywhere near as much hate for Jacques as the rest of the writers on here do. His Christmas stories are lit and though his obsession with statistics, results and uniform seem pointless to us, they may well prove the thing that saves Hampstead from the current anti-comprehensive political climate. Let him do his job and focus on passing your Scientology GCSE or something.

My most significant criticism of the school is the same one levelled two years ago. Extra-curricular activities are what change a school from an exam factory to an actual place. They are where most memorable parts of school life happen and they provide more value than a lifetime of PSHCE lessons. (Seriously, f**k PSHCHEHCE. Ms Cifyou’rereadingthisI’msorryyou’vebeenamazingly helpfultomeandthedebatesocietyforyearsbutIreallyreallyhatePSHCEnothingpersonal). The debate society has had more than it’s fair share of controversy, but it is also one of the valuable assets the school has and if it goes, or dies by becoming teacher led, you will never get it back. The same is true for every other extracurricular thing there is: put the production back in the hall and let the music department provide the music; have more than two music events a year and have enough going on that the Year 11 band don’t have to play Runaway under duress for everything. There are passionate teachers and talented students in every area of the school but they’ll never be realised if you suffocate their ideas.

Finally then, a wider note for prospective and current parents, Ofsted, the Illuminati, Obama and any students who don’t know me well enough to completely disregard my opinion. Hampstead is a mixed ability comprehensive school and its results will never be top of the league tables. Who gives? It served me better academically than I could ever have hoped for and I owe the school, it’s teachers and even the management *audible gasp from regular readers* pretty much everything. Don’t let it become an academy or get replaced by a free school. Don’t send your children to selective schools just because you don’t like pebbledash (it grows on you, honest) or for almost any other reason actually. Your children will be fine; they’re not as special as you think they are. Take an active part in everything you can. A school is what you make it and I made Hampstead great (That’s right, szmell my narcissism motherf**kers).

Former Head Boy and Head of Debating, Triangle enthusiast, Proud wasteman.

Final note: A massive shoutout to every teacher I ever interacted with and all those who I didn’t but who probably impacted my life anyway. In particular, DPatz (RIP in retirement, you deserve it), Ms N, Mr. A (you all know who you are), and surprise surprise, the Maths department, past and present. Also, the science technicians. You never get enough recognition from anyone (fix this, Jacques) and you’re all talented, knowledgeable and generally amazing.

Don’t get gassed Astudent, this is ironic and you’re a pleb.

This one isn’t ironic. School council has been consistently flaccid since forever. Make it something more than a figurehead, so it can stand proud and tall, thrusting Hampstead forward into the future. Or something.

**If you don’t know what this means, good for you. Ask someone older than you and they’ll probably tell you something 30% true which you can go on believing for about 12 minutes until you forget it. No, this isn’t a reference to my sexuality, which is a closely guarded secret only partially related to lemons. Fruity.

DISCLAIMER: all the words, remarks and opinions are the author's own, and do not represent the views or opinions of the Hampstead Trash. In line with our policy of anonymity, any names mentioned have been redacted, although if you have been at Hampstead in the past two years you will probably have worked them out.

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