Edexcel Introduce Maths Listening Exam

As part of a scheme to screw absolutely everyone over reforms to the GCSE specification, Edexcel is to introduce a Maths listening exam.

We caught up with Edexcel representative Mark S. Kheem to get to grips with the new qualification.
According to an official release, the maths listening exam will be comprised of sixteen questions, each read out sequentially. After every question has been read out, the entire set is read out once more. Exclusive to The Trash, here's a sample you can expect to see (hear) in your summer examinations:

"Jack has a number of numbers. Aisha also has a number of numbers, each of these being the number of numbers that everyone else who has a number of numbers has. If Jack has more numbers than Aisha, can we be sure that Jack has more numbers than anyone else? Explain your answer."

"If a parent picks the most obtuse way humanely possible to distribute food, how likely is it that all of their children will simultaneously throw a tantrum? Hence show that 3n²-4=8." 

"Picture a pentagon formed by placing an equilateral triangle with the same side length as a square on top of such a square. Then picture two squares of side length a third the side length of the square placed vertically a third of the way into the square, horizontally a quarter of the way in from each side of the larger square respectively. Now picture a rectangle placed at the bottom of the pentagon. You should see something a bit like a cartoon house. Can you picture yourself inside it? Using Pythagoras' Theorem, explain your answer."

Although many have praised the "rigorously rigorous rigor" of the new specification, others have raised concerns that a maths listening exam is "probably the worst thing that anyone has ever come up with". We put this point to Mark S. Kheem, who said: "logically speaking, the rational thing to do is to undertake a considered course of action supported by scientifically gathered empirical evidence, and let me tell you, I've seen the figures". Although its unclear what "the figures" are, we appreciate access to Mark S. Kheem, and welcome any and all moves towards transparency and openness.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof.