Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares S8 E1: 'The Canteen'

For his most recent season of the hit series Kitchen Nightmares, famed TV chef Gordon Ramsay visited Hampstead's very own CaterLink canteen. Opened just over a year ago, the Canteen has already been branded as 'inadequate', 'failing' and 'barely legal' in food hygiene standards. The Trash got an exclusive look at the script: 

Scene 1
Narrator: Tonight on Kitchen Nightmares, Chef Ramsay travels to Cricklewood, London, to try and turn around nouveau cuisine establishment that is on the verge of shutting its doors. 

Gordon: I'm amazed you've stayed open for this [BLEEP] long! 

Narrator: The owner is clueless, 

Sam Anella: I don't know why we don't have people coming through the door. We're open for a whole 40 minutes most Monday to Fridays.

Narrator: As she has no idea why The Canteen is failing. 

Gordon: You can't be this naive. 

Narrator: The food is hideous, 

Gordon: That's like baby vomit. 

Narrator: And the standards are repulsive. 

Gordon: Oh, you dirty bastards. 

Narrator: Chef Ramsay is in for an extremely difficult challenge as he is forced to deal with an owner who seems more content with shifting the blame than fixing things. 

Sam: It's not our fault, its the food we're given. We don't have enough money for proper ingredients.

Gordon: Are you out of your tiny [BLEEP]ing mind? You charge three quid for a cheese sandwich. How much money do you need?!

Narrator: Chef Ramsay tries his best to save this eatery, but it may prove to just be an impossible task. 

Gordon: What is that? [Points at a tray of 7-day old enchiladas] You're serving rotten food. They're crap.

Sam: They're not crap. They're delicious. 

Gordon: Oh my god! Wake up! Shut the place down.

Scene 2 - Day One, 10:33a.m

Narrator: Before the lunchtime service starts, Gordon sits down to sample what's on offer.

Gordon: Why are these tables sticky? And why is there a maths class happening in the background? [picks up menu] Right, let's have a look. This menu is a bit thin on the [BLEEP]ing ground. 

Narrator: As a choice of starters, The Canteen only offers a small range of hot snacks and sandwiches, and only two to three mains.

Gordon: [goes up to counter] Right, can I have the bacon roll to start?

Dinnerlady: No.

Gordon: What do you mean 'no'?

Dinnerlady: We are out of them.

Gordon: You're out of them? They're the only hot [BLEEP]ing starter on the menu. Fine, I guess I'll have to have the tuna sandwich. [Gordon is handed a tuna baguette] What is this? Why is the bread so pale? Look at it [he balls a chunk up in his hand]: it's undercooked. Are these brought in frozen? What's inside? Oh my [BLEEP]. Its just grey [BLEEP]. I can't tell what's tuna and what's [BLEEP]. Right, I'm done with that. Can I get the shepherd's pie as a main please?

Narrator: Gordon is served a slice of The Canteen's shepherd's pie, but it proves to be just as unsatisfying.

Gordon: Oh my, there's such a thick layer of potato on top. [Gordon tastes it] What is that? Are you using dehydrated potato for the topping?

Dinnerlady: We use Smash.

Gordon: You use Smash? Do you not know how to boil a potato? And the filling, it tastes like really bad beef mince. Did you use beef?

Dinnerlady: Yes.

Gordon: Then its not shepherd's pie. Shepherd's pie is made with [BLEEP]ing lamp you donkey, that's why its called 'shepherd's pie', not [BLEEP]ing cottage pie. And the gravy is watery and greasy all at the same time. It's [BLEEP]ed. I was going to get the lump of cake with thin custard for dessert but after that I can't eat anymore.

Scene 4 - Day One, 13:36p.m
Narrator: While customers in the mess area continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.
Gordon: When were these done? [Picks up trays of Chilli 'pizzas' left on the side]

Sam: Yesterday?

Gordon: Yesterday? [BLEEP] off, Sam, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. 

Sam: (to a cook) So this was from last week.

Gordon: Of course they're from last week!

[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]

Oh my God! What's that?!

Sam: That was the ground beef.

Gordon: Ground beef?! Half of it's [BLEEP]ing fat, you idiot! It's fatter than you!

Student: (interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called Sam out on her [BLEEP].

[Gordon finds a bucket of beans.]

Gordon: Oh, [BLEEP]! What's that?

Sam: The beans.

Gordon: Ugh! How? It's like a cement mixer. Are you [BLEEP]ing stupid? Who's controlling this?

Sam: I am, chef.

Gordon: You are? You... are a walking disaster. You're overstaffed. Under-worked. [BLEEP] food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a [BLEEP]ing restaurant! You must be out of your goddamn mind!

Scene 7 - Day Two, 11:45a.m
Narrator: Chicken pot pie that has been stuffed with imitation meat is being sent back to the cooking area.

Sam: What's the matter with this?

Dinnerlady: She said it's not fresh; she said it's no good.

Gordon: It's [BLEEP]ing watery. 

Sam: Let me have a taste. How bad is it? [tastes it] It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! [Gordon tastes it and spits it out.] 

Gordon: Ohhhh, no! Come on! You're [BLEEP]ing delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake. It's [BLEEP]ing disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big [BLEEP]ing baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!"

Scene 8 - Day Two, 12:03a.m

Gordon: From what I've seen, its [BLEEP]ing obvious to me what's gone wrong with this place. The food is a mess. It's atrocious. I've never seen such disgusting, poorly prepared muck in my life. I wouldn't feed it to my dog, let alone a [BLEEP]ing human being. The staff couldn't give a [BLEEP] between all of them. Nobody here cares. This stuff is allowed to leave this place and go out to paying customers without a worry about quality. The decor looks like its been taken out of a mausoleum, everythings clinical, and what's this fad about serving everything on a [BLEEP]ing plastic tray? I don't know if I can help you guys. I'm beyond shocked.

[Gordon is kicked out by the owner of the Canteen, a Mr. Jacques 'fish fingers' Szemalikowski, for fruity language.]