Monday, 9 April 2018

Hampstead Home Cooking: Planet Pizza

Fresh from the avant-garde of human dining, Planet Pizza - a Hampstead Home Cooking First has been called a "daring excursion into the emerging field of non-edible food" and "a potentially revolutionary solution to growing plastic disposal problems".

Preparation time
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".

Cooking Time                       Serves
2hrs                                       Anyone whose tetanus shots are up to date.

Access to a Landfill,
A Shovel,
A Wheel-Barrow,
The Palette of Esteemed German Food Critic Vanders Klein,
Planetary Matter (to be Gathered),
50 Plastic Bags,


1. Shovel dirt, soiled nappies, abandoned electronics and other waste products for hopeless hours in the sun from a landfill into a wheel-barrow.

2. Get your army of slaves to take the wheel-barrow to your car.

3. Sit down in the driver's seat and have the slaves pour the contents of the wheel-barrow all over you.

4. You are now one with the Earth.

5. Repeat steps 1 & 2, except instead of attempting to satisfy your sick desires, get your army of slaves to pour the contents of the wheel-barrow into your car boot.

6. Drive off. Crash dramatically into a lamppost on your street.

7. Get to work --- quickly! --- the police are coming.

8. Put one kilogram of planetary matter into each plastic bag.

9. Shape each plastic bag into something resembling a deep-dish pizza slice.

9. Make a kiln in someone's garden. (Not yours, you idiot!)

10. Light the kiln.

11. Bake the plastic bags for 40 minutes each.

12. Bone apple teeth.

Serving Suggestions

1. Try and look happy about it.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof.

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