Sunday, 24 March 2013

Leader Comment: Budget 2013

This Wednesday, our Supreme Lord Chancellor Maximilian Oscar Oolong and his Treasury presented the School Council with the much-anticipated Budget outlining the school expenditure for the next year. The Budget once again, focused primarily on reducing the schools deficit in order to pay the School Governors' bail money. The main methods of execution highlighted were: cutting teachers wages further into the negative region (making them pay to teach), the reorganisation of the schools first aid service and the removal of certain teacher privileges.

With the budget of 2012 being a disaster due to the chancellor’s decision to sell off the area of atmosphere above the school, the treasury was keen to make an impression this year amongst students and staff. With much speculation surrounding MOO with his aggressive stance towards the teacher unions, many members of staff were avidly waiting to see if they would get wages in this year’s plans. The introduction of suggestion boxes has also been said to influence MOOs plans as the Junior Minister, Abdulsmith Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithson Van Smyth, foolishly hinted at the construction of a Narwhal statue fabricated from organic Wiltshire quarks.

The Chancellor started his magnificent speech with the much-needed apology addressing a major consequence of last years budget. The apology was to all the student cookie merchants, whose product was the daily nourishment to the majority of year sevens. In last years budget the Chancellor outlawed the sales of donuts and cookies on the playground, as an initiative to increase school canteen sales. Little to the Chancellors knowledge, the sale of a lesser product known colloquially as "Custard Creams" came onto the market as a consequence of this. A highly addictive biscuit, which sent obesity rates through the roof. With heavy lobbying from the Cookie Monster, the Chancellor abolished this law. As of after the Easter holidays cookie sales are to be reinstated, only under strict regulation set out by the Food Safety Association.

The reorganisation of the schools first aid service will see the removal of the first aid helicopter which costs taxpayers in excess of three million pounds a year. Last year The Trash uncovered the actual main use the service; with his vast power and influence the Chair of the School Council, Abdi Abdi, used the expensive service to send revealing messages to his favourite "gyaldem". Some have voiced their concerns, asking how the Council is to fish out students from the pond without this service. In response the council issued the following statement: "We are happy to reinstate the school mascot, Harry the one legged giraffe, as our resident lifeguard. Along his responsibility of fishing out students he will also be baking mung bean brownies for the English Department." Many cheers of delight from the English Department ensued.

After many years of persuasion, MOO finally removed the many extortionate teacher privileges. From the auctioning of the vast vintage pine collection of the D.T. Department's to the cut in funding to the Geography Department's expedition to Atlantis, this years budget has saved $18 trillion to be reallocated to more worthy school needs. One of the teacher unions tried to voice their concerns, but they wanted to know what the Guardian said first.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

No comments:

Post a Comment