Friday, 15 January 2016

Op-Ed #1

A new weekly column in which we give some of the very many Hampstead public figures the space to impart their thoughts and views on current affairs and issues of the day.

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong writes:

Bwaah! It's a terrible case of affairs, the politics in Hampstead at the moment; how petty and personal the jibes have got in an a vain attempt to cover political ineptitude with clichéd ad hominem and cheap point scoring. It's those commie tree-hugging liberal bastards on the left who are at fault for the degradation of our political landscape. Just recently I had to defend a good chum of mine, from the old Hampstead Anti-Bullingdon Club (or HABZ), Preston Montgomery Saddleton, from a media onslaught that ensued after the frankly transparently false supposition that he had made the beast with two backs with a swinish seductress in between the port and Stilton. Of course, I was there that night, and I can categorically say that at no point was there any stuffing or glazing of ham. Now, this was all orchestrated by one of our own, but that's beside the point... The point is the lefties are the ones to blame!

The reason why the damn liberals have to resort to such fabricated remarks is because the truth of the matter is they simply lack any substantial policies. Whilst we are putting together a fabulous plan to bring about peace in the Middle-EastQuad by carpet bombing the lot of them (after all, no one can fight each other if there's no one there to fight) the damn socialist scum are moaning about such trivialities as the NHS (Norfweezie Health Service) being underfunded (I mean we gave them a whole pack of plasters last Christmas for Christ's sake!) Just recently that would-be elbow pad peddler Abdi Corbyn suggested not barking guttural sounds aimlessly without the use of proper words at each other in the Hampstead Commons, but instead taking turns to talk! The cheek! As if we were animals! Disorganised debate is the bedrock of our modern society, and the single most important reason for us being able to bellow like testosterone-fuelled boars is to drown out the sound of such stupid lefty ideas as the one aforementioned.

As well as those damn chinless wonders on the opposite side of the chamber muddying the water, we've got the public trying to ban DeNaldé Trump from entering Hampstead. Anything said about any Trump is just hot air, guff, or as Abdi Corbyn would say, people ‘getting gassed’. We need more people like him in politics; 100% man (well, if you ignore whatever that is doing a very convincing Basil Brush impression on his head). Of course, he shouldn’t get rid of Muslims, otherwise there won’t be any other ultra-right-wing radical fundamentalist jihadists to vote for him!

If there is one thing I want to leave you with to think about as we go into a new year, full of new prospects, new horizons, new opportunities, and new problems, whatever those problems may be, it's the bloody lefties’ fault!

DISCLAIMER: Obviously, these are not the views of the Hampstead Trash, but a spoof under the name of a fictitious character. Anyone who thinks these are genuine beliefs needs to get a grip.

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