Monday, 18 January 2016

The Farce Awakens

A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far, far away, we thought we would share how we thought the story would have been told if it took place in the not-so-distant galaxy of Hampstead School. For some readers who haven't seen the original Star Wars and don't want it to be spoiled, these are not the jokes you are looking for. Move along now.

Episode I - The Phantom Maynace

The seeds of the eventual rise of the evil Management are sewn in a seemingly routine place: a trade dispute between the East Quad Republic and the West Quad Federation over the proliferation of cookies, donuts and AK-47's (the latter for after-school 'training' club). Two students, the keepers of peace and justice, are dispatched to negotiate the dispute, but, like a lady packing more than spare change in her pants, it's a trap! They end up barely escaping with their university places, ending up on the remote and barren wasteland of Back Cage, where they meet slave boy Anarchist Skywalker. Eth-Nic Name senses the Force in Anarchist Skywalker, even though that sort of behaviour with children is frowned upon, and believes he is the "Chosen One" (but not Jesus, or Neo). Eth-Nic wants to train Anarchist Skywalker, but the Student Council knows something is different with this boy and rejects him. But he helps the East Quad Republic win a lunchtime battle against the West Quad Federation, so the Student Council lets Wag-Wan Kenobi take him as his apprentice.

Episode II - Attack of the Cronies

Anarchist Skywalker is older now, but just as bad an actor. The trade dispute has grown to a full-scale revolt against the East Quad Republic. Anarchist is assigned to protect East Quad Republic loyalist Cllr. Pabdi Abdidala, and they fall in love. Meanwhile, Wag-Wan discovers that a leading Student Councillor has ordered the creation of an army of cronies, all made to wear the same ill-fitting uniform, based on a single bounty hunter (he just loves coconut), whom Wag-Wan determines is the assassin trying to nank Pabdi - though he does not know why. He also has no idea why the Student Council have ordered a crony army. Meanwhile, Anarchist's mother is murdered and he switches, channeling the dank side that everyone knows he has in him. The full-scale revolt against the East Quad Republic is being led by Count Cookie (no relation to either Count Count or the Cookie Monster), a former Student himself, who has built his own army. Under pressure, the Galactic Governers vote the Chancellor emergency powers, which (wait for it!) is also a trap! The two armies battle, and the Students, with the help of the cronies, barely win. The movie ends with the revelation that Cookie, the revolt, the cronies and the droids are all being controlled by an evil Sixth Former - who is actually the Chancellor!

Episode III - Revenge of the Sixth

The Chancellor has been captured by a revolt leader General Manyarms, but Wag-Wan and Anarchist Skywalker rescue him. The Chancellor, seeking to draw out Anarchist's dank side, demands that he assassinate Cookie, which he does. Anakin is constantly dealing with visions of Pabdi dying in childbirth, after he knocked her up behind the bikesheds. The Student Council declines to elevate him to Student Leader status, so the Chancellor puts him on the Student Council as his 'representative'. Anarchist eventually figures out that the Chancellor is a Sixth Former in disguise, but when the Students try to depose him, Anarchist comes to his aid because he still wants to save Pabdi from the visions of death (which makes no sense). The Chancellor makes Anarchist his younga and dubs him Daft Vader. He also orders him to kill all students, including Year 7's, though a few Students, including Yoda, escape. Wag-Wan tries to stop him with an epic lightsaber battle, leaving Anarchist next to a lava pond as little more than a shanked-up torso. The Chancellor saves him, puts him in Daft Vader's black suit. Pabdi dies in childbirth and her twins, Luke and Leia, are separated and hidden from the Management, with Leia going to Olderman and Luke ending up in Back Cage, with Wag-Wan going to watch over the boy.

Episode IV - No Hope

Luke is just a teenager with no idea of his true history. Leia is a major figure in a new rebellion against the Management. Her ship is attacked by Vader, but she sneaks the stolen plans for the New Block into R2-D2, who ends up escaping to Back Cage with C3PO. By some feat of the imagination, out of an entire planet, the droids end up in the service of Luke and his family, but R2 escapes to find Wag-Wan Kenobi. Wag-Wan tells Luke about his father - but leaves out all the part about him turning 'mad' and 'fruity'. After an encounter with some cronies who realise they weren't the ones they were looking for, they move along (now) and hook up with dodgy-dealer Hand Solo for a flight on the Millennium Falcon so they can get to Olderman and join the rebellion. In the canteen where they meet, Solo nanks up some guy called Gringo, who was one of the Cookie Cartel members, and then they take off. En route, the New Block proves that it's the ultimate power by destroying Olderman in one shot. The Falcon comes out of hyperspace into the rubble and, like a girl with an unexpected lightsaber, it’s a trap! The ship is captured by the Management. Wag-Wan sneaks around and shuts down the force field so the Falcon can escape, but he is also nanked by Vader as he flees. The rebels still have the plans for the New Block and plot a suicide mission that involves dropping a dangerous Year 7 into a tiny vent shaft. Solo declines to participate; Luke is disappointed, but Solo shows up just in time to save his life and allow him to finish his mission, using his experience of the Force and shooting loads into tiny holes with Wag-Wan. Vader escapes as the New Block is demolished.

Episode V - The Management Strikes Back

Vader pursues the rebels to a new hideout on the ice planet of House. Luke is visited by the spirit of Wag-Wan after smoking something in the toilets, and is told to go to Degobah to study the ways of the Force with Yoda. Hand and Leia barely escape and head to the Cloud City (a large circular place up high; you can make the reference yourself) run by Hand's 'black friend' Lando Hopeandglory. But (wait for it!) it's a trap! Vader appears like an unexpected uncle (or father, in this case), captures Leia and freezes Hand in CaterLink Jelly, but not before Leia can cry 'I love you' and Hand reply 'Does man care.' Vader has little interest in Solo because he doesn't have the Force. Luke has a slanging match in the sky equivalent of Red Pitch in which Luke gets nanked by Vader, who is revealed to be his father, and has an existential crisis that bears uncanny resemblance to a bad trip, and barely escapes. After being fitted with a new robotic hand that can do things that his old one never could, Luke and Leia decide that they will wait until the next movie to save Solo.

Episode VI - Return of the Hedi

Luke and Leia head to Back Cage to save Hand, but Leia is taken as a slave and made to wear something that, whilst intensely sexually objectifying, would come to change the imagination of every man in the bedroom (who also wishes to be a giant slug chained to Carrie Fisher). Using super-Hedi powers, Luke infiltrates Jabba's palace and gives Jabba one last warning and five detention points (or else). The alien creature, who resembles a former Prime Minister by the name of Brown, among others, ignores it and captures Luke. He takes him, Lando, Chewy and Hand to a Sarlacc pit intending to drop them in, but they turn the tables on him. Luke goes back to Yoda to complete his learning (because every minute is a learning minute) but Yoda calls half-term early and dies. Meanwhile, Hand and Leia try to stop the completion of a second New Block by knocking out an energy field made of blue plywood board that is protecting the construction site. They land on the forest moon of Ecologyarea in an attempt to disable it. But, like a drunken relation in Bangkok, it's a trap. Vader brings Luke to the New Block to meet the Emperor, who tempts Luke to give into his dank side with the promise of free cookies and 2 for 1 at Sam's. The Emperor commands Luke to kill Vader to take his place, but Luke won't do it - he's a Hedi, he says, "like my father", and there is no chance that every government person is corrupt. The Emperor gets vexed and switches on Luke, throwing his 'supa hot fire' on him. Vader has a change of heart (which is unlikely in Hampstead, but oh well), and kills the Emperor. Hand and Leia knock out the energy field, allowing Lando to demolish the New New Block. Back on the forest moon of Ecologyarea (near the bikesheds) the Rebel fighters have a party with some teddy bears (but that might have been all that ecology they smoked). Leia tells Hand she loves him and this time he says 'You're smothering and I need my space'.

Expect the next installment in 30 years.

1 comment:

  1. I look forward to seeing this at the end of summer term acted out through mime and dance.