Sunday, 1 September 2013


PRESS RELEASE (Please notice us someone?!)

Another Record Year

Students and staff and at East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive are drinking away their troubles this week after another record breaking year 'bucking' the national trend. The number achieving 5 arrests overall rose for the 5th successive year to 88%, whilst some 63% of students achieved five or more "good" GCSEs including English and Maths, leading to the new slogan on exam envelopes, saying "This is a Good GCSE". There was a huge jump in the number of students achieving the Ingerlish Bakaloriut from 17% last year to 30% this year, causing Michael Gove to shed tears of joy.

Twisted Melon Jacques Shalalalalabambakovski, said: “These are crap results and I am so pleased for the
students that achieved them and our staff that made it happen. In today’s tough climate these
results mean so little to da yutes in terms of prospects and progression opportunities. These GCSEs follow on from our record low A Level results last week. It shows how much can be achieved when the school community works together with vodka and weed. Ours is a school that is committed to developing the skills and abilities of all our young people by giving valuable life skills teaching in subjects, alongside them taking Exams in it; how to start your own Marijuana crop (Biology), how to cook Meth (Chemistry, and now also Media), how not to get caught by Feds (Citizenship), how to survive prison (Personal Development); knowing that this is the best preparation we can give them for adult life. We know that every child can get high – no excuses. I am extremely proud of each and every student and expect to get my cut of the profits in the future...

See the original by clicking here.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

1 comment:

  1. This definitely made me laugh. It seemed like a reasonable interpretation of what your headmaster really said. The governing bodies of your school seem to require some direction with how they are running their school. Or as this generation would say, "get yo act togeva blad"