Looking like they gave the job of designing the front cover to Noel Fielding whilst tripping on acid, the front cover's psychedelic Dr. Who title credits look boasts headlines such as 'DOES OUR MAYOR ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE KIDS OF LONDON?' to which the answer is 'no', and 'REVEALED! The SHOCKING truth behind your Nikes', that being the shocking 'truth' we've all known for a while. The shocking truth that's so old we cover it in Year 9 English.
In later pages, the magazine goes on to give an assortment of 'comedy' film, some dating back to 1959; how relevant, and a history of the game Pac-Man, which vaguely resembled the Wikipedia page on it. Sounds like some hard research went into that one.
There was a 'Travel Diary' written by a kid who went to Cyprus seven years ago, but the main article was the 15-minute interview with the Head. Yes, you heard us right, for one side of A4 we were allowed to get inside that tiny shiny mind of his. When asked about being a headteacher, he said he 'became head of Science, and gradually became more interested in the idea of having a whole school impact'. Let us, please, for a minute, reflect on that sentiment for a moment. We must come to wonder how much the Head, or the SLT for that matter, actually regard and respect that 'whole school impact'. We have said it before and we will say it again, the actions of the management have an impact on peoples' lives, educations and ultimately, their careers. It is best said by the spandex-toting arachnid boy, that "With great power comes great responsibility", and he's not wrong. The Head is quite a powerful man, but, and this is your decision, the reader, is he as responsible? *cough*GlasgowUni*cough*
When asked why we don't have lockers, the Head replies with: 'There is no room for lockers. It’s not about money – it’s simply about there being too many confined spaces'. This is not true, as we already have fitted lockers in all the year-rooms, they just lack a key thing in a locker: a lock, which is of course way too expensive for the school to pay for. Equally, we have vast expanses of sheltered wall space outside, underneath the 'New Block' that could house lockers in their dozens, or even that derelict strip of space that is partly home to the Girls' Only Area, that only needs a canopy to become sheltered. There are vast wastes of space that could be used to house lockers, but, then again, we must defer to the Head, him being an expert on wastes of space.
When asked what he enjoyed about being the Head, he says firstly that 'Some people stay in their offices all of the time; I hope I don’t do that' which is correct, he goes on 'Learning Walks', or, as we would have them called, 'Uniform Patrols'. He also mentions how he loves to 'to go out in the playground and' tell people to tuck their shirts in. He also enjoys his access to a phone, you know, so he can call people, like universities perhaps.
There are certain things in the article that we could make personal jibes about, but we will rise above that. However, when asked what his best subject was when at school, he replies with the statement: 'English. But I think I was really an all-rounder – I didn’t work as hard as I should have, though'. We have several comments on this, the first being: If you were so good at english, why become a physics teacher? Secondly, modest much? Regardless of whether or not you were an 'all-rounder' you obviously weren't getting top marks in the modesty category. Finally, surely the fact that you 'didn't work as hard as I should have', yet still you are a Head of a school, doesn't exactly send out the best message of hard work=success. This was going into a magazine that students would be reading.
We're just going to add in the final two paragraphs of the interview, because they stand alone as hilarious:
'What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? You couldn’t print my MOST embarrassing thing. But there was one time, on my first Parents’ Evening as a teacher, when I went to shake a parent’s hand and my trousers split.
Tell us a joke. I can’t think of an appropriate one.'
The final two pages are written in Latin, and I don't attend a private school, so I have no idea what they say (#illuminati). Of course, if you wish to view the draft magazine, you can find it in Szemelileaks here, or straight to it here.
DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.