Tuesday, 29 April 2014

New Demotivational Posters Revealed

Hampstead has not disappointing in 2014 with their fetish for the large print, and resident Photographer at the Trash, Getty Reuters, has snapped up some shots for us of the latest grammatically incorrect bollocks that has been laminated and flung against a wall. Here are said posters, that not even our poet P I Staker can make sense of...

1. When posed this question, P I Staker replied to us: "Phenomenal is a tyrannical Headmaster riding bare-backed on a dark stallion across the shoulders of medieval peasants. [deep sigh]" which, to this day, we are unsure about, especially since five minutes previous they had taken a large amount of pills that they said they needed for "A trip I am about to go on". Regardless, phenomenal in fact looks like this: Phenomenal.

2. This one's a little fuzzy, but at the time the film had been engulfed by irradiation from the Head's toxic personality (our apologies). It reads, for those who are incapable, "Failure is only measured by time...". What? I didn't realise our new Associate Head was Buddha. Firstly, no, failure is not measured by time, time is measured by time. You know, that thing the SLT seem to have a little too much of. Secondly, if 'failure is only measured by time', then what does a 'U' constitute? Mild success? A few seconds as opposed to a few days? Failure is measured in the usual way; how far away you are from success.

3. Another fuzzy one; the Head obviously hovering around still, like a horde of flies around a freshly laid turd. This one reads "Be powerful beyond measure", which sounds nice, but is extremely counter-intuitive, since, or at least according to Señor Gove, a school's sole purpose is to bestow students with the power to be measured. Why else do you think we have exams?

 4. Yes, you read correctly. Now you see why we said 'grammatically incorrect bollocks' in the introduction to this article. "What is your why?" is probably the closest Hampstead has ever got to writing in Doge, with 'so poster' and 'such motivation' being candid additions. When posed this poster, P I Staker simply replied: "What?" with a beguiled expression, much like that of the poor boy on the poster, who seems to be heavily sedated and being plagued by rogue question marks.

5. At this point our Pedant in Chief, Penn Name, steps in, and points out that, out of all the lines in this dainty little sonnet, you cannot live, eat, breath, sleep, grow, learn, work or be practice, as whoever penned this poster seemed to mistake the word practice for a verb (it is a noun for members of the Ingrish Durpartmurnt). The only thing you can do is dream about practice (although they did miss the 'about' from that), but you must wonder how much of a life you have if your subconscious thoughts are devoted to menial repetition (Penn Name's significant other gives them a harsh look at this point).

Equally, the final remark makes little sense, as to 'be about it' is ambiguous at best. What is 'it' that you are referring to? If 'it' is practice, then it is incorrect again, as you cannot be about practice, as we have already said. Also, the 'Don't talk about it' implies that students should do it but not speak of it, like smiling at teachers outside of school, or using Wikipedia.

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