Saturday, 20 December 2014

Same Thing Next Year? Yeah, Why Not?

With the last day of school came the long-awaited Christmas Assembly, which somehow managed to be particularly Christian-oriented, despite Hampstead being secular, as well as one SLT member's desperate attempts to sell Jesus to the Muslims. The parts ranged from topical observations about the world, the cramming of more 'achievements' on the school's behalf down our throats, and a whole miasma of performances, however, at its core, the Christmas Assembly managed to stay exactly the same as it has been in previous years.

First the Trash would like to thank all the performers of the assembly for either making their acts so well done or so hilarious that they were all brilliant. It goes without saying that every school show is going to have its faults, but some of them were comedy genius.

The Head took time to make reference to the First World War, and how it affected a staggering number of boys who once attended the school that used to be here (not our school, as the Head was led to believe), as well as reflecting on the massacre that happened this week in Pakistan. He then went on to say that, as a Rights Respecting School, who was going in for their Level 2 moderation in January (by god we hope someone at UNICEF actually googles Hampstead School), and how they, the SLT, an elite group of individuals who have complete say over what is allowed and what is not, had eradicated totalitarianism from the school.

There then was a fairly dated presentation, still with Shutterstock watermarks and 7-pixel photos in it, that accompanied an SLT member telling the story of the Nativity (because a room full of Muslims, Atheists & other religions needs to hear this) by pointing out at every juncture that everything in the Nativity had an Islamic parable. This was by far the longest bit as this particular SLT member had a way

of taking forever

to finish a



they broke it up

into whispered


Then we come to the Head's customary Christmas Story. This year's was significantly shorter than the Iliads of previous years, and featured only 500 plot twists and no dead policeman biker ghosts that turn out to be Santa. It was actually quite decent and, although fairly obvious what was going to happen from about half-way through, was one of the Head's more fully-formed Christmas tales.

Unfortunately, this year did not feature the same Christmas poem as every year, which was a shame, but we did get a small suited man in a Santa Hat (elf-based jokes were audible) giving away expensive straight-to-eBay gifts to some randomer for not being ill for a term (we assume that is what the £55k on Attendance goes towards).

And so, with the end of a term, the end of a year, and the end of the one worthwhile assembly, so too do we end the year. We will be back as soon as term starts again in January but, until then, Happy Hanukwanzaamas. 

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