As part of our programme of continuous failure we have decided that food is unnecessary. A time-consuming, morale-raising force of evil, food has largely been a token affair at East Cricklewood Correctional Facility, with students at times spending all 15 seconds of their recently reduced lunch break shovelling Administration-approved nutrition into their greedy over-fed mouths. One initiative suggested by Camden's Health Improvement team is to implement a policy of "Change From Food". Despite the Student Leadership Team's rejection of this proposal, an executive decision has been made to ignore the subSLuTs. After disregarding the opinions of those "chosen" to "represent" students, the great and glorious one suggested nutrition tubes, as it is widely acknowledged that everyone in this republic needs to eat less food. Food distracts the already idle minds of lobotomised youngsters. After disrupting the balance of bodily fluids, or "creative juices", food can waste up to 8 hours of precious body-time, de-energising muscles. These attributes of food consumption are particularly detrimental to the development of children. Along with this, in line with our ongoing work as a Rights Respecting School, all possible choices of drink will be prohibited within school hours and, to conserve air, breathing will be restricted to outside school hours. As a consequence, we are running a mock consultation from now until the end of January, with students, staff, parents and governors. The proposal is that from February half-term the only food allowed outside of meal times would be water (plus tea/coffee for caffeine addicted staff). During breakfast, lunchtime and morning break, milk and fruit juices will also be allowed, undermining the entire "Change From Food" notion, and preventing Caterlink from losing too much precious money. "Change From Food" is part of a wider OneState drive to encourage us all to lose what little sanity we have left. If we are going to implement the suggested "Change From Food" policy (which we are), it is important that we pretend that all stake holders are coerced into agreeing with us, or ignored if coercion fails.
The Headitor in Chief