Op-Ed #4

Sir Lynton Stills-and-Nash, political campaign manager, writes:

With the IEU Caucus having taken place with our friends across the pond in the United States of Ameriquad, we can once again see how divided the political race can be. Whilst team Democracy (who took their aspirational name from the team on last year's The Apprentice Syria) were split between Ms Hillary Cards and Doc from Back to the Future, the Old Republic voters put Tom Cruz on top, with DoNaldé Trump, Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader following five-or-so points behind.

Of course, when I was running the Boccaccio DéCameron campaign last year, we knew weeks ahead of the vote that we had won, much like most of the School Council elections, but my friend and campaigner David Driveshaft will most probably watching this election very closely; being the campaign manager for Barbarack Osama and Ded Millipede, he probably doesn’t want his side to lose twice in as many years.

Arguably, the United States of Ameriquad are far more diverse than over here, with a fledgling and complex society, so it fits that the political spectrum is as varied. We are only in the primaries (the successful candidates have yet to graduate to secondary) and already we have seen fierce debate about a range of things. Gun control is the ugly cousin of any campaign, with the head of the Norfweezie Rifle Association (NRA) this week saying that “Man tryna take away ma gat so man can’t protect himself, innit! I be like ‘na cuz, what if some hood cum pull a shank? Manz gonna have to go Indiana Jones on this fool’. Wha’ man gonna do wid no strap?” Instantly sparking outrage, Doc said he would travel back to 1923 to stop Charlton Heston, whilst Hillary Cards came out and said that “as president [she] would never ban guns”, presumably as when they shoot each other there are fewer Republican voters to contend with.

Then came DoNaldé Trump, the man made entirely of melted-down Trolls, who announced that if he were president he would “ban all Muslims from entering the United States of Ameriquad” until he “can work out what the hell is going on [with his hair]”. This swiftly prompted mass outrage amongst the Muslim community, as well as anyone with a functioning brain, with Abdi Corbyn rushing to state that “You know, I once met a Muslim, and he was a jolly good chap. What Mr Trump has said was very unfair on Muslims like the one I met. You know, the nice, non-exploding ones”.

I don’t pretend to have half a clue who may win the presidential race this November (apart from all this polling data I’ve just been given), but all I know is that it, like a Muppet Show for adults, will be wholly entertaining, as well as full of funny-looking characters with faces that aren’t their own looking like they’ve just had someone’s hand shoved up their jacksy.

DISCLAIMER: This is a spoof written from the point of view of a fictitious character, so the views expressed in the article are not the views of the blog.