Time Team – Season 268
Publication date: 14/02/5016
Site name: ‘Hampstead School’
[Translated from Mandarin]
Hello, and welcome to this week’s episode of Time Team. Last week we looked at some of the great finds being found in the area of land that the North Sea once occupied, finding some extraordinary things, including the remains of Lord Lucan encased in an underwater casino, the Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me and an old gum-shaped submarine with no nuclear weapons in it. Deciding to tone down the possible finds this week, we travelled to a small patch of land in north-west London. Much of the site had been covered by dirt, radioactive materials spilling from the various structures, and crisp packets, leaving only an old spire bearing a tattered red flag above ground. Preliminary excavations found many pieces of paper labelled ‘Hampstead Buzz’, which we can assume was some form of wide-spread narcotic, a stockpile of doughnuts containing traces of Ecology, and an embalmed and mummified giant Aye-aye, buried underneath some form of purple-brick pyramid with five hundred early-teens stuffed into jars.
At the site we found on what would have been the tiled flooring of the main square a large pointillist image only viewable from an aerial perspective. Each individual dot, only an inch-or-so in diameter, was made of a white adhesive substance. But it gets weirder: analysis of the dots shows not only the presence of peppermint, but of human saliva, suggesting it was the Hampstead people’s ritual to chew and spit the dots onto the ground, in order to make the massive work of art. Brian Cocks, professor of Archaeology and Old Earth Studies at the New Mars Institute said: “From the evidence gathered at the site, we can gather the collective piece of imagery had a religious purpose to it, the aerial view of the image showing what looks like to be a large smiling face of a middle-aged man, resembling 21st century British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. We can see this art would have been a community effort to revere the man, or deity, by projecting his likeness into the heavens. Amaaaaazing.”
This likeness continues to be present in many of the building remains of the Hampstead site; a twenty metre high marble statue bearing the same face being uncovered at the heart of what is now just a metal frame in the centre of the ancient complex, the base bearing the old Latino words “Hoc est scholam bonam”, or “This is a good school”. Also found all over the site were images of the same worshipped face in walls, preserved in a tarpaulin substance and copious amounts of asbestos.
As well as a seemingly very religious, monotheistic society, the Hampstead people could also have been very brutal. Just to the south of the main square of the site, diggers found a boggy pit, at some point filled with water or thick mud, containing the remains of some two-thousand children, aged somewhere between eleven and twelve. As the decomposition process took effect so quickly, only the bones remain, but out best guess is those who were deemed unworthy by the ancient Hampstead public were drowned in the well.
All praise the lizard people!