Op-Ed #7

Abdi Garage writes:

No, no! Let me speak! Hmwaah!

Just like Communism, this has all gone badly wrong. And the NWU Titanic has now hit the iceberg (a Romanian iceberg!). It is a Norf Weezie Union of economic failure, of low growth, but worst of all, it’s an NWU with the economic prison (I mean 'IEU') of the Standardised Cookie Currency. And this now poses huge dangers to the economic zone. We face the prospect of mass civil unrest, possibly even revolution in some areas, that are being driven into total and utter desperation by economically-caused problems: a lack of Merals, no peri-peri sauce, and the ultimate and untimely shrinking of the jellies. But there is perhaps an opportunity. There is perhaps some good news.

Now, for the first time since the New Block could actually be classed as new, the whole of Hampstead will be asked to decide whether they want to be part of Norf Weezie. Come the 23 June (which is smack bang in the middle of exam season, but don't get me started on that Tory trickery!) we will have the chance to show the Norf Weezie Commission who is in charge, and how democracy really works. “Who do you think you’re kidding Mr Junker?”

Now, now, this referendum has caused quite a stir in the established political parties, creating some fiery debate between the ‘Leave’ campaigns and the ‘Remain in subjugation’ campaigns, as I like to call them, much like the fiery 'debates' I used to have with my saucy kraut wife - twice sometimes, fwuarrh!

[non-alcoholic pint sloshes uncontrollably]

Anyway, there have been some pretty goddamn shameful and wholly un-British accusations make by the Remain side, such as the frankly bizarre notion that we will somehow be less in control of our borders if we leave. Now, let me tell you, this clear and blatant scaremongering by leftist quims. The simple fact of the matter is the Romanians are coming to murder your children and take your jobs. Fact.

Now, this school may already be 99.9% foreign and I can count the white faces on my thumbs, but this has to stop! No, no, you may not like to hear it, but how are we going to educate all our beloved Somalian, Syrians and Iraqis if all their places are being nicked?

Uncontrolled entry into this school will be the death of it, as without a clear view to the type of people coming in, how will we ever recover from the pit of despair that is the current five-year-trend, or should I say five-year-dip, in exam results? I'm not being a racist, but we should be free to choose who can enter this school based on simple criteria such as economic prospects, previous education, and the colour of their skin.

This show of democracy has obviously got to the other Norf Weezie ‘powers’; just this week the President of Freddo Territory said that leaving the NWU would break the Hampstead Tunnel security agreement. Classic frog thing to do - run away from a problem at the first sign of trouble. When I take office in 2020, the first thing I will do is ban all French-fries from entering, and build a massive wall along the school border, even if it is in water!

DISCLAIMER: The views presented in this article are not representational of the views of the Trash or any of its writers. They are a thinly veiled 'satire' of the leader of the Uniter Quad Independence Party. If anyone has a problem with the views in this article, read up on the real guy and be actually offended by him.