Op-Ed #9

George Osborne writes:

[Coffin creaks open, cape unfolds and freakish smile appears.]

Hello, children...

I'm here to explain to you today all about what I'm doing to - I mean - for you as the next generation of this country. There are lots of big special changes coming your way, and I don't want to patronise you in any way when I explain them, so let me start by saying that a school is a big house where children learn.

Fundamentally, I want all schools to be Eton. Why? Because that's where I, Dave, and Boris went, and look how well we turned out! Since I can't do that, I want to make sure the next twenty Tory governments (or until Abdi Corbyn conks it) have complete control over children, and are paid for by my good friends at the large multi-nations. Who needs corporation tax when KPMG is spaffing money on kids' iPads?

Of course, this is just step one in my master plan. Step two involves a white cat, the assassination of a London Mayor and thought control drugs being introduced to sugary drinks. How else do we control you ruffians, that occupy the toxic lefty-liberal cesspools that we dare call 'good' schools? I say we should put church and buggery back on the curriculum, just like the good old days. Remember how you used to hold me in the showers, Dave?

The switch to academies not only helps students, but teachers will be better off. We don't know how, but they will be. Obviously, we could, you know, just pay them more and treat them better, but if we're not doing it for junior doctors, why do it for them? We can't to be seen to be favouritist or elitist. Also, it's simply cheaper for us to convert all state-run schools into exam factories.

But it gets better: I'm supplying £25m for extra-curricular activities, so while you are distracted by a skipping rope we can steal more of your maintenance loan.

Now, put your blazer on, do up your tie, and sing God Save the Queen!


DISCLAIMER: This is a spoof, and so not legitimately what the Chancellor of the Exchequer has said. If he did ever step inside Hampstead school, it would not be one second before someone had shouted "your nan" at him.