Snail Race: School Discriminates Against Molluscs

Snails. Despite the school's obvious disdain for other thick, slimy creatures, the Head appears to have taken a liking to the lowly garden creatures.

Perhaps it is the silvery trail of slime that resonates so deeply with Szlugoskowski, his minutely visits to form rooms now reminding him of his own silvery trail. Or, maybe, it's the sheer range of uses for parasite ridden garden creatures. Not only do they 'keep us in lead-based face paint', they also slither boldly about the delicate 'ecology project', mildly disgusting the rogue Year 10's who seek 'herbal medication'.

Regardless, the race went ahead today. Despite widespread claims that the Russian snails were using performance-enhancing drugs (but what guy doesn't, eh?), Jamaican entrant Usnail Bolt took the winning spot by a eyestalk. Finishing early at ten hours long, the spectacle was rated by onlookers as "shorter that a Head's speech" and "vaguely more interesting". BetDO3 took winnings of 25p due to an "unexpectedly high turnout".