Hello chaps! What is wagwarning?
You know, my fellow comrades, I've had a lot of flak recently, and I want to talk to you, the public, about how I, Abdi Corbyn, am not to blame for everything. Some people have written some pretty nasty Blairite stuff about how I still have no control over my party and its message, despite not doing too poorly in the regional Back Cage North and . Well, I can say categorically, after an internal exploratory discussion, that I am quite possibly the leader!
Some fellow chaps (who, I might add, are not in the party anymore, thanks to my lighting-fast action as leader) got into a little bit of hot water in the press recently for saying some things, and being generally anti-semitic. I won't tolerate this... much. A lot of my friends are anti-semites, and so it horrendous to discriminate against any group of people. As Chairman Mao once said [In the interest of brevity, this paragraph has been cut short by sixty-three pages. -Ed]
Anyway, we can safely agree that it won't be tolerated, not in my party. In my party we tolerate everyone, except the coked-up horse-fiddlers on the other side of the School Council Commons, Capitalists and anyone who cannot tolerate everyone (which, seemingly, includes ourselves. Oops.) As such, I have launched an inquiry, to question whether or not this anti-semitism is a result of a right-wing Blairite conspiracy (P.S, it definitely is).
That said, chaps, I must apologise for the recent remarks made by a fellow chap and good friend of mine, Ken Deadrock, who has sadly left the party of his own free will. In a world of startling contradictions - David Cameron calling Nigeria 'fantastically corrupt', a straight woman winning Eurovision, to name but a few - it is no wonder that dear Ken was dazed and confused into thinking Hitler was a Zionist. Some of my best friends are Hitlers, so it's an outrageous comment to be making. As my good friends at Hezbollah used to say: "I've got 99 problems but my 99 wives ain't one".
DISCLAIMER: As always, this article is a spoof, and so the character and the views expressed are entirely fictitious. Although, there are some very real idiots out there who believe this stuff.