Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Referendum Comment Special

In line with our continuing 'Comment is Slavery' Op-Ed series, today we bring you a referendum special. So, rather than just one Op-Ed piece, as Hampstead goes to the polls on Thursday we asked all the key players from the campaigns to give us their final thoughts on the referendum...

Abdi Garage (Cut From Deez Endz):
“No, no. I think this has all gone far enough. The Hampstead public is sick and tired of being lied to. Let me state some facts about the NWU: it is a simple truth that poultry bought through the union gives innocent Hampstead citizens ebola, the millions of Romanian students coming from the rest of Norf Weezie are coming to kill your hamsters and take your hard-earned school places, and you have absolutely no say over how your own school is run.” [Well, that last one may be true, but perhaps not because of any union. -Ed]

Abdi Corbyn (Innit):
“Hello chaps. You know, I’ve been trying very hard to convince voters on two things recently: to remain in the union and that I am electable. Let's see if I can get one right, eh! I've done lots of leadership-material things to try and convince voters, completely unlike the serious political life I used to lead as a proponent of the calming effect of beards, the inevitable wiping out of the human race as an asteroid slams into the earth and the many uses of compost. I have gone back on previous Euro-scepticism I had, showing my skill for having a clear electable ideology, I have teamed up with Preston in a coupling worse than Caligula and Caligula's favourite sister, showing my knack for collaboration (like with the Nazis!) and I have unified my party under one common ideal (oh wait, scrap that last one). Cheerio!”

Preston Montgomery Saddleton (Innit):
“I’ve spoken to lots of really decent chaps on the road (Westbere Road) campaigning to remain ‘innit’, and have been heckled at by over 10,000 staff from various departments. There have been lots of great chaps who have told me how much their career means to them, and how much it would damage them if the school Management had to end it for them coming out in favour of something against the Management’s wishes. I’ve spoken to a great deal of the Hampstead public, and it has opened up my eyes to their diversity, their resilience, and their united and deep disdain for me. Some people from my own side in the School Council have said I won’t last as leader and I’ll be gone by Christmas; well I say to them: ‘Haha! I don’t care - I will have been leader of the council for seven-ish years, and so my school career would be over anyway.’ In any event, I would be leaving it in more than capable hands.”

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Bwaah! You know it's around about this time of year that a whole group of the (un)voting Hampstead public bugger off, so I don’t see how the NWU Leavers are any different from the School Leavers. Both are sick and tired of unelected officials dictating what they can and cannot do. Did you know the NWU - or should I say I-EU - brought in legislation a few years back making it a punishable offence to not be in the possession of a blazer at all times? Disgusting, isn’t it? Hmuah!”

Marcus Kengtun (Innit):
“Bwaah! The long and short of it is, if we leave, as students, we will be economically screwed. If we remain as students, we will be economically screwed, but we can worry about it later!”

Boris 'The Rock’ Johnson (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Hey! Ooh! Hwah! Yhaa! Jolly good, isn’t it, this bit of political bish-bash-bosh; getting together with the old alumni honestum to do some International Relations wiff-waff. Err. Hwhwh. Argh! Yes! See, now, yes, now, it's not just about a game of rat-tailing in the showers with some old school mates, it’s about giving the student body some bloody jolly power. When I eventually take a leadership role on the School Council - which I flatly deny is, err, what I am doing - I want to be able to rule all of Hampstead, not just some of it. Not just some bits handed down to us by some unelected official who does not bear any semblance whatsoever of someone we would actually want in charge (completely unlike me). As Socrates said: ‘Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit…’”

Nathaniel Maskelyne van Reit Woolley III (Cut From Deez Endz):
“Take back control. We need to take back control. Take back control, is what we need to do. Control is what we need to take back. Back control is what we need to take. We need to take back control." [Not entirely sure if we ever had control of our school in the first place, but thanks for the buzzwords. -Ed]

Sylvia Ryver Raine (Innit):
“So, yeah, you know, like, yeah, like, so, peace, yeah?”

DISCLAIMER: All of the opinions in the article are fictitious in the sense that we have made them up as much as we have made up the characters. Take from that what you will.

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