Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Hexit - or ‘What the Officer Said to the Witch’

A seemingly punless and nonsensical portmanteau, ‘Hexit’ - or Hampstead’s exit from the Norf Weezie Union - is, like Herpes, the word on everyone’s lips at the moment. With the vote set on the 23rd of June to decide whether students can ‘Leave’ or ‘Remain’ come the summer, the contest has already been hard fought.

Economics commentator and self-proclaimed condiment Robert Pesto was quick to compare the situation to deciding where to go for lunch. “On the one hand, you could choose to stay in school,” he said, “and you would know exactly what you would be getting for lunch; the same-old, ever-familiar CaterLink sludge. But with rising payments and smaller jellies, many aren’t content with staying with what they know. Some students may want to jump the fence, and look elsewhere, but once they are out of the gate, there is uncertainty where the Westbere path will take them: Sam’s? McD’s? Chicken Cottage? The question on everyone’s mind is: is the ‘chicken’ better on the other side?”

According to recent figures released by the Department for Mathematics, Statistics and Imagination, 74% of cookies and 82% of doughnuts are imported from outside the union, whilst we export only 43% of our ‘Sacred Herb’ production to the union, seeing profits ‘go up in smoke’. The Institute of Business Studies (and Travel and Tourism) has also said that leaving the union, also known as the I-EU, would see a drop in the number of external students entering the school and with that another damaging blow for the G*-U Index, which left Hampstead down twelve points a few years back.

The two official campaigns on either side of the referendum have already traded Redpitch-bitter blows, with political heavyweights like Abdi Garage and Boris ‘The Rock’ Johnson going up against Preston Montgomery Saddleton and Marcus Kengtun in recent weeks. The ‘Cut From Deez Endz’ Campaign has stated their main argument is simply “we just want to be chillin’ on our ones”, whilst the ‘Innit’ campaign has defended the NWU, saying “dees are our endz, we should stay in them”. 

With such ironclad and convincing arguments as the ones put, deciding which way to vote on the 23rd is shaping up to be a very difficult one indeed.

Break time: Abdi Farage's last-ditch Hexit poster.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, although you could be forgiven for believing it was actual reporting on the politics of the nation. Unfortunately, we don't have a pond anymore for Abdi Garage to ride his toy flotilla in.

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