Students who move schools for Sixth Form could be fined, as part of controversial new measures to combat reliance on external applicants to populate open evenings.
In one of many of a series of eagerly awaited speeches, the Head vowed to punish students who flee East Cricklewood for the excitement and bright lights of regions like West Cricklewood, as doing so is paramount to harming the school through "malicious departure".
Citing "regional proverbs about fly-catching and KA", the Head also announced a £40m budget renewal for Hampstead's former UCranium Enrichment Programme, which in cooperation with Hampstead's ecology project paid students to look "happy and alive" in photographs. However such incentives are only to benefit those who "demonstrate newly invigorated loyalty to the
party school", as post-GCSE, students will be required to repeat at least 2 years of Sixth Form, those failing to do so being required to hand in their achievement badges and "cough up some dough", Senior Leader Szmellysolventskowski said.
However, the proposed ban on "shopping around" prompted swift criticism from the Badman's Mandem's Association (BMA), which said Mr Szmetakebackcontrolkowski should tackle the underlying reasons for students opting to move to other ends.
Dr Abdi, the BMA’s council chair, said: “Demotivated, bunned-out students who don’t want to be in their lessons will not be good for the 5 year trend.”
Up to 210 Students leave Hampstead every year, attracted by cheaper cookies, highly subsidised Sam’s chicken and in some cases the mere semblances of actual extracurricular activities. This figure is expected to rise some "50 or something percent" by 2020.
Prior to his closing remarks, the Head is said to have revealed a "big red telephone", waving it above his disembodied head as he emphasised that he was "always willing to give other schools a ring", particularly when it could jeopardize a student's "academic career".
DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, both on goverment NHS policy and Hampstead's recruitment tactics.