Scientology 'Not The Same As' Science, Admit SLT

Apologising profusely, but nonetheless stating that "anyone could've confused L. Ron Hubbard and Ed Win Hubble", the SLT have cancelled future speaking engagements at Hampstead originally secured by Narconon, the drugs prevention program for yung yutes funded by the Church of Scientology. Coincidentally, Narconon does not employ any scientists.

Critics have referred to Hubbard's work as "mad writings", calling galactic warlord Xenu a "fruity linguistic fabrication". Many stated, however, that they had no real problem with their children being continuously and often permanently indoctrinated, so long as it was indoctrination of the (alt)-right kind.

One student's diary, recovered from partial submersion in the 3rd floor bog by brave Trash forces, read "I have become increasingly enchanted by Scientologist ideology", and dangerously declared that "absolute control over religious fanatics is only dangerous when it isn't monetised". Perhaps owing to what the student described as the "terrifying ordeal" of an audit by the Church of Scientology, the student is reported to have expressed an irrational fear of telephones, which unconfirmed reports claim resemble the many pronged instruments of psychoanalysis often used in audits.

When asked how they'd make sure they didn't get in a bunch of nutjobs questionable individuals in to speak to the yutes, one member of the SLT said they'd "probably look it [the ten or so religious cults that get into Hampstead by disguising themselves as yute drugs-education programs every term] up or something".

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof of an article that originally appeared in the London Evening Standard.