The next Councillor-in-Chief, DoNaldé Trump, has been embroiled in allegations of sexual promiscuity after a document were leaked to the ETC. (yeah, it still exists) and the Buzz just days before his inauguration.
According to the leaked documents, Trump was recorded employing several illegal sexican workers to engage in various sexual activities in the P.E "showers", which he had requested were "golden showers". In response to this claim, Trump took to Twatter to voice his outrage, saying: "I have never solicited sexual activities in the showers. I have only done so in the designated sexual practices areas: in the toilets and behind the bikesheds. #wrong #fakenews"
The report also detailed that he had asked the prostitutes to defile the bed his room, to which his second-in-command, Spenda Penny, responded that this was "not news" and that Trump defiled his bed "just by him sleeping in it."
At a press conference held yesterday, many of the questions from journalists were dominated by the allegations made in the document. Trump called ETC. a "terrible" organisation and the Buzz a "failing pile of garbage". Asked by one Trash reporter if Trump had ever engaged in other unconventional sexual acts, he explained how he had come to acquire his trademark hairstyle, before muttering the name 'Sean Hannity' thirteen times under his breath.
He then pointed at a woman and said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, wait, wrong president." Asked about his sex life as Councillor-in-Chief, DoNaldé Trump stated: "I know positions. I have all the positions. All our positions are being stolen by Chi-na and Rush-a. We're gonna bring our positions back. You know, I've been working these past weeks with some amazing people, wonderful people, to fill all the slots in my administration. Now I've got a great staff, a massive staff, and I'm gonna get them all to come with my great staff."
When incorrectly informed by the intelligence agencies (not that there's much intelligence in Hampstead) that operatives were at the scene collecting evidence, Trump remarked "Stop taking the piss."