Cooking with Caterlink: Meat-Subsitute Pie

Sometimes it's good to see just how far you can push the definition of "food". We hope our meat-substitute pie helps you do exactly that. 

Preparation time
However much of your time you're willing to waste chopping, smooshing and twisting this horrible dish together. 

Cooking Time                       Serves
34 minutes                             Whoever can get into the canteen in time.

Ingredients
One pie base - you know? The ones in the Sainsbury's down the road - on the shelf - up there - no not that one - this one's gluten free - you wouldn't want to support vegetarianism would you?

1 large carrot.

2 tbsp of fortified Boost.

500ml liquid meat substitute. 

1l pink slime.

1kg solid meat substitute. 

Either too much or too little salt, to taste.

Egg.

Freshly ground black pepper. 

Method

1.Mix the egg and the pink slime using that weird food processor you've always been told not to touch.

2. Strain the resulting mixture up to three times.

3. Add salt to taste.

4. Boil the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

5. Laugh at how Caterlink is still getting paid to serve up this sort of crap.

6. Resume your serious work with an equally serious expression — a chef must never smile.

7. Keep boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

8. Make odd and creepy remarks and noises about the juiciness of the meat.

9. Keep boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

10. Okay that's enough —  stop boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

11. Add salt to taste.

12. Put the pie stuff on the pie base(???)

13. Use the fortified Boost however you want — I'm not here to tell you what to do.

14. Serve to hungry proles.

15. Hold up carrot and say "Oh this? I never quite got round to using it. Funny how things like that work out."


DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, and is in no way endorsed by, approved of by, affiliated with, formally or otherwise, Caterlink.