Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Cookie Cartels - Interview with a Cookie Baron

The following is a transcript of an interview with a Cookie Baron, who wishes to remain anonymous as of the overwhelming threat of murder by rival cookie cartels, for revealing trade secrets.  For the purposes of this article the Cookie Baron in question will be referred to by the name Abdi.

Q: What got you into the black market?
A: What you sayin' about black people? You racist white boi?

Q: No, it's just when you sell something illegally its called the Black Market.
A: I didn't knoe sellin' cookies was illegal, unless I put a special ingredient in dem.

Q: Moving swiftly on from that, where do you buy your cookies, and why?
A: Sainsbury’s, cos it’s closest to my house, and they’re the easiest to put placebos in. Oh s**t, I wasn't supposed to say that! Don't put that in, yeah?

Q: How much money do you make a day from your business?
A: Usually 'bout ten quid. Enough for me to buy a couple grams.

Q: What quantities do people normally buy cookies in?
A: Usually one or two, but occasionally some sidemen buy whole bags. Fat kids = me making a mint.

Q: Are you afraid of the imminent threat of being excluded for your participation in the black market?
A: What is it with you and black people? Oh, wait, no, not really, lots of teachers don’t really care, some even know I sell, and my sidemen clientele would never tell on me. Not unless they wanted to be punished as well.

Q: Do you think cookie prices will ever drop from the 50p convention?
A: Well, I have been introducing discounts to my inner circle. Ya know, six cookies and you get a free Lucozade. I was thinkin' of doin' a 2 for £2, like at Sams.

Q: You do know £2 is more than the price of two cookies?
A: Shhh!

Q: We know that a sort of order has formed amongst the rival gangs of cookie sellers. Is there any form of hierarchy?
A: As a Cartel, we have a leader, who I can't name. Dey say who sells where, and who sells what. I'm on cookies and donuts at the moment.

Q: Is there anything you would like to say with regard to any sort of recent events concerning your trade?
A: Yeah, are you gonna buy a cookie or not? 

Abdi is a fine example of Hampstead's thriving business department. Currently, he is making roughly £30 per week, working around six and a quarter hours a week. This is well over minimum wage, considering the "work" that cookie dealers actually engage in. Yet, unfortunately it is not exactly on par with the amount that you can get by doing a posh job, like designing designer stationary, with around the same workload.

Unfortunately for the striving entrepreneurs, they have competition. Not mentioned in this interview, for not wanting to use a PTSD trigger, the cookie cartels have been in heated conflict with rival doughnut cartels ever since the arrival of the doughnut cartels in the East Pond district, respective enforcers of either confectionery designated side have been in a violent protectionist brawl. Yet this is not just restricted to the East Pond area, as we saw yesterday, these gang wars have escalated to arson attempts.

Forming an unbiased opinion of the situation, the Trash asks for donations from both sides, for research purposes. Please give all of your confectionery donations to our informant Abdi, Year 8.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

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