Update from the Replacement Block Service

With the term started and the work on the New Building well underway, the school has well and truly been turned from a place of learning, despite the claims of Camden council and the school's Management, and instead into a building site dependent almost entirely on the contractors over students and teachers. For those who don't know, the first week back saw no power in the 'New' Block, no phone lines, Sims or email, and a few weeks back a power down of the whole school, meaning any timetabled Period 6 lessons were disbanded.

As such, the school site is a much looser affair (hehe) than before, and than the Head would like; after all, if he can't control it, it must be wrong. Workmen come and go as freely as they please, and have even installed their own showers, encroaching even further on that tiny streak of land which is what is left of the outdoor free space. Said workmen are providing the school with a plethora of good role models, as we have had reports of workers smoking on the school site (which is, of course, not allowed for students), even reports of certain workers smoking something slightly danker than just tobacco by the smell (which must be very safe), and one truck in frequent use in and around the school having a stenciled image of a less-than-clothed lady on one window, which must be very distracting for kids trying to learn. How must parents think of the people in close proximity to their children, and how well are the workers vetted?


DISCLAIMER: Everything reported in this is based on separate eye-witness accounts. We honestly couldn't care what people do in school, as there will always be students who have done worse, but some parents do care, which is fair enough.

Cards Against Humanity - Hampstead Expansion Pack

As a complete rip-off homage to the card game Cards Against Humanity, we have kindly created an 'expansion pack', specific to the school and its many idiosyncrasies that only students could know of, for you to fill your half-lunch-hour playing. Anyone who doesn't know the rules is immediately a scrub. Enjoy!

You can also view and print the cards as a PDF, available by following the link here.

SHOCK AS JIHADIST TRAINING CAMP FOUND IN NORTH LONDON COMPREHENSIVE

by Our Norf Weezie correspondent, Tori Graph

Shock has swept across the nation, or at least those people who live in cottages in Norfolk, think Hezbollah is something served with houmous, and believe that there is an actual physical wave of migrants rolling across the channel coming to find them, kill them, and then run up their taxes because they are on the dole. Signs (or rather a 'sign', see photo below) have been found of a terrorist training camp located as close to home as a North London school, named East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive.

According to our expert in Muslamic studies, Alan Huakbar (no relation to Admiral Akbar), the Muslamic text roughly translates as 'Muslamic Training Camp, Ray Guns this way', and the arrow just means an arrow pointing, our expert surmises, in the way of the Muslamic Ray Guns.

East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive is regarded as a hotspot for Muslamic grooming, because we said so just now so it must be true. According to a poll we took in the area, 150% of the sample were Muslamic, with 1 of the 1 people that we asked being called Abdi. This makes the comprehensive a hotbed for interracial tensions (ooh-err missus), and a melting pot for radical ideas, such as anarchy, fruity language, and the eventual death of the West.

Headteacher and known Iraqi sympathiser, Mr Szadamhusseinkowski (because we've likened him to every other dictator, so why not?), gave the following statement on the issue: "Hampstead is a multicultural and diverse school, with over 10,000 known languages spoken within the institution, such as Latin, Ancient Assyrian, Aardvark and a Cricklewood dialect which some say vaguely resembles English. As such, we are proud to be holding a diversity poetry competition, with entries only permissible in God's English. Of course, if Jihadists were found in Hampstead, we couldn't do anything as a public sector establishment crippled by a fear of not being 100% politically correct and thus offending some Islamics. However, if they were anarchists..."

Mad Jihadist writings: according to a racist terrorism
expert, the sign resembles the flag of Islamic State, as it has
squiggly lines on it and is written down.

And So Again it Begins...

As the time of Open Days and prospective parents nosing around classrooms rolls around like the inevitable boulder in a perilous Indiana Jones scene, so does the expensive and over-inflated advertising the school produces. Already, as well as paying for an add in the Ham & High's glossy 'Education' supplement (which, in the blurb about West Hampstead, has never recognised Hampstead as a school), the school have paid for an advert on the C11 bus stop (see photo below) nearest the school, as if the massive, you know, school, wasn't advert enough in the area.

We have reported countless times on the cost of these adverts, and how it comes straight out of the school budget that is supposed to educate students. Don't forget, Hampstead is non-selective; it has no choice over the type of students that it takes in, so advertising seems to be a complete waste of money, and an expensive one at that.

Notice how it says 'Top 5%, instead of  'Top 2%' now?

Please Save Hampstead Children's Education: gross oversimplification of the real world

PSCHE: to many a waste of time, to others a way of ensuring youngsters have the 'correct views'; an hour of wasted school time every week, abused for the sake of enforcing the views the SLT want to lure impressionable students into believing, such that they become what the Management consider an ideal student (an apathetic, inoffensive, bland, uniformly dressed, beige husk of a child, who will never push any matter, never be creative enough to do anything beyond what is asked of them, and flatline through school enough to achieve mediocrity in not only their grades, but their lives, such as have the Management) and thus a 'model citizen'.

In one such lesson, students were asked (in groups) to produce sections of essays on "The effects homework has on GCSEs". When, predictably, students applied a modicum of thought and stated that from their perspective 'home learning', as is now the propagated PC term, did not help them in their GCSEs, they were severely reprimanded and sent to the rusty Soviet first-aid-kit for lobotomies, courtesy of the NorfWeezy Health Service. The lesson ultimately failed in its objective of vindicating a pre-established belief held by the school by making students prove it to themselves via introspection, and of teaching people to write good essays, as the poorly-assembled attempt at a curriculum did not account for the fact that people would never realistically be tasked to write just the introduction to an essay, or just "Main Paragraph 2", as well as the fact no example of a 'model essay' was provided. This is not a singular instance; the PSCHJFKQWERTYLGBT (or whatever they've decided to call it) is consistently poorly-planned and repetitive, without going into any depth or detail with each repetition of each of the arbitrary topics, as if they didn't want to do anything beyond what was asked of them (now, what does that sound like?).

From another equally valid perspective, PSCHE is also a sheer waste of time. With the school year on average having 39 weeks, after 5 years of drudgery, the average victim student of Hampstead School has 195 hours of their education snatched away, with very little other than the crescent-shaped scars from their lobotomies to show for it. 195 hours are (according to Sam Learning) enough time to move up 3.9 grades in all 5 of your A*-C GCSEs. Why should Year 11's, or members of any year for that matter, have time that could be used to learn something useful abused for the benefit of Mr. Szurgeonsketskowski's largely falsified appearance; after all, 'every minute is a learning minute'. And, on the point of the decapitated Head, another incident that stood out for me was when a poor child by the name of Abdi refused to refer to the years prior to 2006 as "B.C" was dragged outside and shot. To conceal the blood splatter, T.Dum quickly dipped into the school's budget, placing a vapid "Rights Respecting" mural on the rapidly crumbling wall. As I'm sure you can see from the incoherence of this article, the 'lesson' on writing essays did not help.

Original British Drama Block: Great British Baked-Off

In another obvious piss-take of Auntie's current 'initiative' to gently persuade everyone that they are producing a whole heap of drama by writing 'Drama' on 99.9% of programs, we attempt to sell a flagship format from the broadcasters to a slightly more... Hampsteadonian viewership:

In a secluded bikeshed tent hidden behind the Ingrish Block, 12 contestants compete in three challenges: the signature, in which each candidate is given 420 hours to breed a new strain of weed, the technical, with contestants given 2 hours to bake the best hash brownies, and the showstopper, wherein contestants have to see how baked they can get, all aided by presenters Mabdi & Sabdi and judges Mary Jane and Paul 'Blunt' Hollywood.

The shows usually pulls in average viewing figures of 13m, however, this dips half way through when everyone gets the munchies and goes out to buy pizza.

A* at Jumping Through Hoops

"A lot of my assemblies are going to be about time, and how little of it we have left." squealed a certain T. Dum, who seemed to be particularly fond of his PhD, who sources say pertained to measuring worms. This is how the SLuT address teenagers who have shuffled lifelessly into the asbestos filled comprehensive that we call 'good' for the last five years; like tools to be manipulated or even discarded for the sake of halting the steady decline of Hampstead's fabricated position in the league tables.

As well as Szhe'llbecomingroundthemountainwhenshecomeskowski's new-found obsession with uniform and punctuality, Cricklewood Community Comprehensive now features a shorter lunch break and an extremely cramped playground. Whilst a certain orange member of government would be quick to cry out "your loss is our gain", current Year 11's (and years above) have to experience all the negatives and none of the benefits that have arrived in the form of a land-consuming building project, which was supposed to have begun when the current Year 11's were but irritating Year 7's. 

These factors are heavily compounded by looming GCSEs, however, must the turd-stained rags that 5 years of work have been leading up to really be looming? The constant reiteration of inane [fruity language] has the end result that very little time is spent doing anything other than pretending to be revising, rather than actually revising. Furthermore, the environment fostered by the SLuT is one that strongly discourages innovation and fluidity; the rigid lesson structures and arbitrary rules expected by Joe or Jane Management when he or she pokes their inextricably similar faces round classroom doors simply do not work at GCSE. GCSEs have a significantly greater depth in comparison to KS3, and classroom discussion is necessary to familiarise students with the subject matter. The fundamental flaw in the way students are prepared for GCSEs at Hampstead School is born from the fact that those who shape (quite forcefully) the school environment simply do not care; they are only there to maintain a quota, and, of course, prevent any form of individuality - we are simply statistics, to be distorted or discarded, to generate a false image of our school. After all, what is a student, if not a brilliant photo opportunity?

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education. This piece is entirely the opinion of the writer.

Boring Literature Club - Dead Poet's Society

Readers with eyes will have this week seen some luminous yellow posters put up around the school, inviting students to submit poems celebrating Hampstead's diversity (having both science and maths teachers). Of course, there's no prize, apart from the knowledge that you were one of one people bothered to enter, and the incessant laughter of your peers, and the poem(s) would be somehow incorporated into the usual runnings of Black History Month, a month in which we celebrate remember the oppression of black people throughout history. Now, whilst Hampstead is multicultural, and nobody particularly cares (because we're all people so it doesn't and shouldn't matter where we came from, so grow up), we thought we'd submit a poem from a Nigel Garage, which, whilst fulfilling the brief, perhaps isn't quite what the school are looking for:

New Building Diversity

This school is full of diggers

But you can’t call them that anymore

Lots and lots of dirty diggers

But you can’t call them that anymore

The site is covered in poles

But you can’t call them that anymore

There are chinks in the walls

But you can’t call them that anymore

The ground is full of slopes

But you can’t call them that anymore

The building will be nicely coloured

But you can’t call them that anymore

The kids are always smoking fags

But you can’t call them that anymore

The building work leaves lots of slag

But you can’t call them that anymore

‘This is a good school’

But you can’t call it that anymore.

DISCLAIMER: As always, this blog was set up to poke fun and criticise the school management, and so any materials in this article conform to that end. Anyone who finds any insinuation in the above article is a raging racist.

GCSE's: INSERT PROPAGANDA HERE!

The school have, once again, been a little economical with the truth, this time when it came to the 'News' article on the new Hampstead School 'website' (which, as you'd expect, still looks like the rejected Windows 8 interface).

Even though we, and the local news outlet, used these things called facts and figures to identify that the GCSE results had only increased by, at best, 1.88% on last year, and were still far below what they used to be before the education reforms kicked in, the school ran with "Provisional results for 2015 GCSEs indicate that students have made exceptional progress on their 5 year journey through school."

Nice to see they're still going strong with the whole '5 Year' thing. Also funny that, in the article, they praised "23% of all students achieve A* or A in Mathematics", with nothing on the level of Ingrish at the school, apart from the lack of past tense in the above quote, and a mention later in the article of a "highest possible grad".

Suggestion Box Exclusive 2015

Longer-lasting readers will remember our annual article, detailing suggestions supposedly 'found' in the now relatively antiquated Suggestion Boxes. So, as it is the start of a new year, and as we have some amphetamines left over from the weekend, here is Suggestion Box III:

- The part of the school mascot to be played by Benedict Cumberbatch (because he’s in everything, so he might as well be in an Aye-aye suit)

- A sandpit

- Jfk made the moon and thats why he wanted to go there because he wanted to go home.

- 18000 Nights of Sin (formally the 50 Year Anniversary Celebrations)

- A swimang [sic] pool (we already have one, and Year 7’s are obliged to use the pond)

- An idol statue of the great goddess Szemalikowski carved by 1000 Tibetan monks out of pure ambergris to be placed on a 24-carat gold plinth in the New Building

- The New Building henceforth be named the Jacques Szemalikowski Exaltation and Memorial Block (these are supposed to be terrible suggestions, not realistic ones –Ed)

- Where have all the benches gone?

In the year since the last suggestion box, we have realised some ideas put forward by students, and are proud to reveal two new services, pictured below:

"The school minivan to be sold and replaced by a
whale called Germaine that sings the blues (It's a Blues Whale)

"A second betting company to be set up (due to the Competition
Commission) named CricklewoodPower"

Our Artist's Impression of the New Building

Fresh off the Art Department potato-printing press, our resident artists, Abdi Kapoor and Abdi Warhol, have kindly mocked up what they believe the New Building will eventually look like when built:

Guest Article: Humanoid Alpacas Admit to Running the School

Another guest article to kick off the new academic year, this time telling of their experience of the new, stricter, ever stupider uniform rules.

Well, Thursday was the first day of school, but this was no normal first day back, no, this first day was the day where the new Dick Dastardly scheme would be put in place. Yes, quite like your mum's legs, these harebrained schemes are used often by Mr. Szhalalalalalalalakowski so he can do something else other than twiddle his thumbs and gratify himself to pictures of George Orwell; and also like your mum, they get dropped faster than a roadrunner on speed, probably because the Head has the attention span of the average Year 7.

So, in case you were not already aware, the school has decided to implement a new, strict, no-excuse policy on uniform (now where have we heard that before? -Ed), as well as adding that the shoes to be worn must be black and non-trainers for reasons unclear; perhaps Cthulhu will finally escape from the DT block if we don't appease it with slick black Penny Loafers. Well, that was a lie, a reason was given, but I think you'll agree Cthulhu seems to make a lot more sense than the Head's idea that we need to be prepared for future career opportunities, when Facebook, Twitter, Google, Apple etc., some of the biggest companies in our time, have the most lenient dress codes known to the black voids CEO's have instead of hearts, as well as the fact that most of us will end up working in Sam’s. But for whatever reason, they have decided to implement this, and the effects are painstakingly obvious. Ask any one of the many victims of the Decapitated Head's ego-gratifying, and they'll be so peeved, that after they get the gratification out of their eyes, they'll tell you how much the school apparently cares about your non-crumpled tie, rather than your knowledge and education.

I was actually one of the people who were sent home because of my lack of blazer. It was eerily how efficient they were; I barely had enough time to exclaim I had a note explaining why I had no blazer, and just enough money to buy a small island in the Atlantic to purchase said turd, before they said to me how sorry they were, slapped me on the bum, and then shoved me out. At least that's what I thought those muffled cries and screams were; it is quite hard to understand someone whose nose is so far up the Head's arse, that they became the first grammatically correct inside-out shirt. So I went to Brent Cross to buy everything I needed, along with the small army of people who also got caught by Sauron sent home. Of course, I got there way too early, seeing as school starts at 8.35 and Brent Cross's shops open at 10.00, leaving me enough time to cover myself in Marmite and build the Great Wall of China.

I bet schools all over the country are already following suit.

The most aneurysm-inducing part of this whole matter was that I had an ample excuse, I had the means to correct it, and I had no time to then correct it, but instead of logic, reason and common-sense, they sent me home, leaving me to miss the entirety of the morning periods. Upon returning, I ended up acting like a headless chicken, gawking at the sudden Gulag that had been built in the middle of the school; both a safety risk, seeing as I had no idea which of the open doors to the Pit of Tartarus were actually supposed to be closed and not ideal places to play money up. And, the more obvious result, I missed my &#?$@!£ education, you know, what a school is supposed to be giving me, not fashion tips for the recently lobotomized. When will the school learn that uniform should be secondary to education, I hear you ask. Well, I guess it'll be the same time they stop lacing their cookies with meth at their meetings. But do not worry, anonymous reader, don't say I have done nothing (besides screaming at the voices to stop), as I have already wreaked revenge, replacing their goodie-bag of blue sky rocks with an asbestos-filled one instead, simple enough to find seeing as how the school are only just removing all that asbestos from the buildings now...

DISCLAIMER: This guest writer was evidently very irate when they wrote this, and rightly so. As such, we have censored the fruity language. Unfortunately, this means it won't count towards your 5-a-day.