Transfer Deadline Day: Uproar at controversial cross-Quad signing

As mentioned in E. Rex Sean's previous article, there are the two major football clubs that play on the site of our school; East Quad United of The House(TM) AstroTurf, and West Quad City of Front Cage Arena. 

The pair are massive rivals, with groups of Hooligans and 'Ultras' known to have fight between the two sets. However, in a move that has angered both sets, a controversial figure has moved between the two clubs on Transfer Deadline Day.

Theo Cracy, the goalscorer injured earlier on in the season, has been sold by EQU to WQC for a Cricklewood record fee, of 3 cookies, a can of KA Pineapple, and a Sam's 2 for £2 with chips. 

This has angered both sets of fans. The EQU supporter's trust, named The IEU Firm, released a statement stating: "Theo Cracy knows what he's done. He's a treacherous b*****d who's lied to us. He'll get the full Luis Figo treatment, but Pig's Heads are haraam so we'll just throw Chicken Wings instead." 

The WQC fans, who often congregate for matches in a section of their stadium called The Bike Shed End, said "Not only has a player who has kissed the dirty EQU badge joined our ranks, but we've massively overpaid. This player isn't worth a sky of KA, let alone an entire can."

Extra SLT had to be placed on hand to protect the player on his journey on foot via the Pyramid stairs, using blaring sirens and long Tuna batons (that seemed more baguette-shaped).

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

The 'New' Block Development

Over the past few days there have been many developments around the school site, including ominous white markings appearing, lathered across the school and suspicious mining operations on the grassy bit on the right of the Dane Tasmanian building.

The markings, for blind readers (wait, what?), consist of large white arrows with crude measurements scrawled above them, and we can only speculate that they are maybe to show the way to a cookie dealer on a night shift, or that the Head has actually decide to build the HS2 (complete, of course, with a girls only carriage) or perhaps even the unlikely suggestion that the construction plans of a school council idea that isn't just more bins... Oh, wait...

These graffiti-based graphics all point towards where the 'new' block will be taken down and replaced for a better, non stoned pebble dashed building, that actually lives up to the name (we hope) of the 'New' Block, rather than some originally temporary monstrosity from the Sixties. The new build is set to begin sometime in 2014, but demolishing the current block may prove more time consuming and costly, the school having to pay for the removal of asbestos, yellow-cake uranium and all those bodies.

Most of the theories are just guesses, however the markings, coupled with the crop circles, must have something to do with the small-scale fracking that took place on the grassy bit of mud with the benches and chess tables and washed out sixth formers. This has caused a few earthquakes in the East Quad vicinity, much to the Geography Department's delight. This process involved a large machine that did something and some workers who did very little. Mysterious.

If you have been affected by the druid ritual markings in the school, please tell us your worries by writing #druidracist on a piece of paper, then putting it in an envelope, and then eating it.

Head excludes builders for graffiti; builders protest innocence; head calls university contractors' boss

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

Buzz Bashing - Autumn Term 2013-2014

As expected, when Hampstead wins something, even if it is a World's Worst Dad mug or Chief Chinchilla in the Fart Squadron of the Hitler Youth, it then features in absolutely everything the school pushes out until it gains another worthless emblem to fill space at the base of our planners. And this term has not disappointed, ladies and gents, as Hampstead's Sixth Form is now in the top 10% of Sixth Forms across Britain, and it has finally been called 'Outstanding' by someone. Or is it 2%? There does seem to be a bit of mixed messages here, but things do start to go wrong when lies get too elaborate.

This news would not be news if we had nothing to tell. The Hampstead Trash has found that, to get a report for Sixth Form from the ALPs service (the people that make this stuff up), it costs Hampstead school in the region of £1173.12 per year. For that single word, 'Outstanding', the school pays out over a thousand pounds. That is equivalent to 3120 exercise books, 5272 HB Pencils or 809 Baguettes from the school canteen. The Trash, at this juncture, would like to formally issue a request for the bursar for the school to state a justification as to why this amount of school funds is being wasted on something that has little educational value, and is only serving to feed the egos of the management.

It gets no better. The Buzz boasts of the school gaining 'LEAD' status in the eyes of the organisation 'Achievement for All'. Again, we did a little digging, and found that the two year course, where it is the teachers of the school that have to do all of the work and changing of policies, costs the school £14,485 over two years. To put that in a most digestible perspective again, that is 38,626 exercise books, 65,101 HB pencils or 9989 baguettes from the school canteen; enough to feed the whole school, including the Sixth Form, for seven days, with enough left over to feed 50% of the school for a further day. Again, we would kindly ask the bursar how this is economically viable for the school.

This is not the first time the Trash has noticed discrepancies in the budget. Back in November 2013, we noticed that in the budget for the school, an excess of £485,000 that was unaccounted for, or the school was missing £10,000. Once again, and any readers please do the same if you feel compelled so, we request the bursar for the school explain kindly why the numbers are not adding up.

To end off, we leave you with a photo (below) of the Head scraping in on Dame Tamsyn Imison's new book launch. I think it is fair to judge Szemelsliketeamspiritkowski as a giant vacuum, sucking in glory from everyone around him.

To see what we're talking about, you can view the PDF version of the Buzz, or you can pick up a print copy in the Reception.

The Black Hole of Glory managed to find his
way to a public swimming baths to maraud
previous heads.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

CLARIFICATION - Trash statement on ICO Mailmerge findings

Some of you may have picked up a print copy of the Ham & High, in which on page 16 in an article about the ICO not investigating the Mailmerge incident, quotes part of the Hampstead Trash's statement on the subject. However, it does not state it in full in the print copy. It does, however, quote it in its entirety on the Ham & High website. So, in the interests of clarification, here is our statement in its original form, as sent to Ham & High offices via email. 

"The Hampstead Trash feels it unfortunate that the Information Commissioner's Office does not take the data breach seriously enough to pursue any line of inquiry, however, we are thankful that no fine was imposed on the school, as this would have detracted from much needed funds. We have implored the school to apologise to all students and assure them that an incident such as this will never occur again; neither request being fulfilled by the school in either message form or the Ham & High article."

We hope this has cleared anything up over the Trash's thoughts on the Mailmerge incident and the ICO's findings.

The Hampstead Trash Editorial Team

Guest Poetry from P. I. Staker

Another bout of verse from our resident wordsmith, sonneteer and virile lover, P. I. Staker...

Speaking Little Truth

We rule in a totalitarian state
Where brainless barbarians decide our fate
We follow our leader,
silencing any Trash reader.
After all, they can't hear the truth
Their words, absurb! We deem uncouth.

Our hands lay out Szemelikowski's brutality
in his endless war against individuality.

Daily, we march,
bursting into every class,
causing noise, disruption,
a general farce.

We say we hate discrimination,
whilst still approving segregation.

Today, we walk again, on patrol,
we see no resistance on the whole.

His words not ours. However, if you like P I Staker's Stuff, tune in next time for another poem.

EXCLUSIVE: REAL Leaked Minutes from School Council January 2014 II

Today we delve into this year's first School Council Meeting. Unfortunately, when we received the notes, they were hand-written in short form, but you can still view a transcript of them (links below). in this meeting many vital points raised were addressed, or redressed, or simply written down again. Let us start from the top...

Of course, Halal meat, vending machines and chewing gum were all hot topics, despite being discussed in the previous session. Even though contractual agreements got in the way, and the councillors had been told as much, they still raised the point of vending machines. Chewing gum, as we have already discovered, is still outlawed, and remains as such. When we come to Halal meat, we here at the Trash believe that any student should be given the ability to prescribe to any affectation of their religion, but this should not be specific to only one religion. If you are to serve Halal meat, it seems only correct to also serve a Kosher option, a beef-free option for Hindus and any other religion that makes itself a part of the school.

The House System is still at large, and Professor McGonagal has been busy totting up iBehaves. The idea if a pitch rota was broached, and as it did not work in 2009, I strongly suspect, desire it being somewhat logical, it won't work.

The School Council have said they wish to generate some charity work within the school, to help the poor and the homeless, "giving food and clothes". Christmas was also mentioned, although mentioning it in mid-January is a tad late. Also, according to the Department for Education, 58.4% of the school's pupils are eligible for free school meals, which is graded by the government as 'HIGH'. Surely it makes more sense to address the poverty and possible malnourishment that is plighting the majority of Hampstead students, rather than asking those already in need of free food to give up what they don't have to feed other poor.

Finally we come to the Girls' Only Area, which has cropped up again in this year's minutes. One point, a lone word, struck my attention, as it is what we have been saying repeatedly in many articles since the idea was first discussed. It reads, underneath the head 'Girls Only Area': "Segregation". At least we are having some influence on the decisive powers of Hampstead's students, and the fact that the point was not immediately redacted and the councillor who penned it's desired university informed of his anarchism amazes us. Perhaps more of this on-the-edge thinking is required in School Council meetings to generate some vaguely normal thoughts.

Again, you can see the transcript by clicking here, or through Szemelileaks.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

EXCLUSIVE: REAL Leaked Minutes from School Council January 2014

Again, with the coming of a new year there is the coming of a new school council meeting, and fresh doubt about their credibility. Like past leaked minutes we have laid our eyes upon, the latest lives up to its predecessors' benchmark of hair-brained ideas and general ignorance. It is, however, hilarious, that since the Trash has begun to flaunt the minutes of the school council, they have magically begun to appear, in nice colour-printed spreads, in the School Council display by the Hall.

I genuinely laughed at the School Minutes, as I am sure you will if you check them out (links below); even on their own they are gut-wrenchingly mirthful, my commentary in this very article only adding to it. Starting us off on page 1 of the minutes bundle, in capital letter, in a big box reads the word 'ACTION', ironic as there seems to be very little of the sort in School Council well... ever.

We move straight on to page 3 of the bundle (no boobs on this, I am afraid), and the first point of feedback is that the introduction of house systems "was raised with colleagues of the Senior Leadership Team (SLT) and they request more details from the students as to how they envisage it working". Why? Why was it raised at all? It's a stupid idea. This is a comprehensive full of muggles, not Hogwarts. The SLT (Why they had to remind us who the SLT were is any man's guess) were right to stave off the possibility of the idea, although I can't see how more details would help the situation. And if you want to know how this student 'envisages it working' then I've got one word: badly.

I move straight on to point five of the feedback, which is just blinding: "Systems for litter and litter sanctions - students in IEU to do litter duty agreed in principle. Members of the School Council to also volunteer". I seem to be asking a lot of questions today but WHAT? I can't actually believe that this has been approved by a human adult. The thing that everyone involved in this menagerie of maleficence seems to be neglecting is that the IEU is not a punishment system. On the contrary, the IEU is to rehabilitate misbehaving students back into a class situation. They are removed because they, for whatever reason, are removed from class to work alone, until they can accommodate the company of other people whilst working. In that, they are supposed to be working. Despite them being in the IEU, they are still attending a school. You know, that place where people learn. If they were to do litter duty, it would either be detracting from their learning time, or their lunch break, which they are legally obliged to have. Also, since the school takes the Rights of a Child so seriously, slave labour is forbidden.

Equally, by getting students to pick up litter, you are giving less work to the Site Staff. If there is less work, then it is less economically viable to have so many Site Staff, so the school would get rid of a certain number. They are now unemployed, and the economy of the wider area is being affected because of this 'agreed' policy.

Point 7 is really clever. "Chewing gum - not allowed in lessons". You don't say. Maybe that should be a school rule or something?

Point 8: "Notices in toilets to remind students to wash their hands". You would think by the age of at least eleven, you would know that crucial step that goes in between taking a dump and licking your fingers. It's stupid; why bother?

Also in the mix was "Goals to be added to astro turf", which we are sure the Head will get 63% of, bucking a five-year-trend of no goals. Don't forget, we can't get outstanding goals, only 'good' goals.
Under extra-curricular, 'displays in year rooms' was included, as well as 'not enough food'. We're not entirely sure why that was included in that specific category.

On the topic of dining, because all that the School Council seems to care about is food, they suggested introducing a "table colour scheme for purchased meals and packed lunch". Again, as if I hadn't said it enough: Why? What's the point? It's just another form of segregation.

Other policies discussed were halal meat, vending machines, a tuck shop and "more food", which all sound strikingly familiar. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say they were identical to ideas already broached in the previous meeting. Oh wait, they are. Amazing.

I have only scratched the surface in this article, so you can find the full minutes here, or through Szemelileaks. The minutes bundle pertains to the meeting held in November last year, so tune in later today for a break-down (literary as well as mental) of this month's minutes.


DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

School earmarked for disruption during HS2 construction

It was announced today that mass disruption will be coming to our corner of Hampstead Cricklewood, as the SLT released a statement revealing they will go forward with plans with HS2 (Hampstead School 2). Despite the name, this is not the building of a new school, or a hipster nightclub, but a new railway line to be built. The opposition to this state that this will have no benefit but to serve the massive “Legacy” fetish everyone has post-London 2012. The SLT disagree, with Mr Szmethomasthetankengineandfriendskovski, now to be known as the Bubbly Curvy Controller, saying “This is all about offering students a way to get to school quicker, more easily, and quicker. It’s a quick and easy route for students to get to and from school.”

So, it’ll be quick and easy, says the Decapitated Head. But where does this new route go?

As you can see, this line stops at every place a Hampstead student could ever dream of needing to go, including The Shop to stock up on KA and Boost, Cricklewood (the exit has been earmarked for the bit where all the drunks lie down), convenient for Lunchtime dashes to Sam’s for a 2 for £2, and Kilburn, for school trips when you can’t be arsed to walk up and down Shoot Up Hill.

The opposition have said that this is a waste of time, effort and money. In response to this, the SLT are introducing an official “consultation period” for the opposition’s feelings to be noted on record before they are ignored, rather than ignoring them from the off as per the original plan.

The documents also show that, so construction can take place, we will see the knocking down of the Main, Science, DT, English and DTI Blocks, meaning that only Drama and PE lessons will go interrupted, so if you want to do any other subjects, you can go off to Woodhouse a few years earlier before everyone eventually does. 

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

The Reichenbach Flop - Spoilers of newest episode of hit drama Szerlock

With Julie LaSange getting more and more ambitious, BBC hit series Szerlock has had it's latest plot-line leaked to us at The Trash.

Regular viewers would recognise villain Moriarty Gove from the end of Season 1, where he threatens Szerlock by the Swimming Pool (filled with Primary School children) before somehow escaping. We see him here again in a flashback to the Reichenbach Flop, where M. Gove takes Szerlock hostage on the roof of the Sixth Form Centre.

M. Gove had threatened to kill the person Szerlock held closest to his heart; Dr. Brookman H. Watson, his assistant, if Szerlock didn't jump to his death. To make sure Szerlock met the same fate, M. Gove shot himself (in the foot after yet another U-turn).

Eventually, Szerlock realises what he must do. He calls Dr. Brookman H. Watson, who is stood by the table-tennis tables near the DT block. Szerlock orders him to stay there, and to look directly at him, telling him "this is my 'note'."

Dr. Brookman H. Watson, thinking for a minute his 'note' is to get out of P.E, does nothing for a moment. Szerlock leaps off the side of the building, with a splash a few seconds after, whilst all the time Brookman looks on with horror. He sprints across the Quad, but runs into one of the benches and passes out. By the time he has awoken, the entire school has descended upon The Pond, where a dead body floats. One student notes: "Itz lyk dat time wot dere woz dat ded cat on Westbere, innit, but a guy".

That is where the old series ended, and this is where the EXCLUSIVE information comes into play:

We go forward two years. Dr. Brookman H. Watson, who has by now had a Paxman-esque midlife crisis and grown a moustache, is teaching a Physics lesson, and is having some equipment given to him, when he is sure he recognises the face of the new technician. It turns out to be Szerlock, back from the dead, who gets a smack round the face with a conical flask for his troubles.

Sat in the Year Room Cafe, Szerlock explains how he survived the Reichenbach Flop. In a plan he called "Operation Mailmerge":

It starts with Szerlock leaping off the side of the English block. However, he has a bungee lead attached to him, which stops him from hitting the ground when he goes behind the Site Office, which obscures Dr. Brookman H. Watson's view. This is where he strolls into the Reception, past a famed science technician, who is providing the dead body to substitute for Szerlock from his vast collection of Year 7's in the Biology Technician's room. He walks through the reception, beeping out whilst turning up the collar on his coat, and then walks to the bus stop in a mysterious fashion.

Eventually, Dr. Brookman H. Watson takes Szerlock back, and they return to solving untucked shirts at 221B Westbere Road.

Using our Functional Skills and our Creative iMedia here to generate precision photoshopping.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

400+ Personal Details Left on Public Server by School

The names and contact details of over 400 students has been left in a file on the shared drive at Hampstead school. The list, named 'Mailmerge', was found by Trash Reporters in recent weeks. The list contained students' names, parents' names, addresses, phone numbers and in some cases emails.

As well as being a breach of the data protection act, pertaining to Local Authorities, it is highly immoral to leave other peoples' details in a place susceptible to copying. Not only is the list available to copy by any student at Hampstead, the students and their parents could be vulnerable to possible blackmailers, who could have had access to the list. As it is a shared area, all students could access the file. If you were in sixth form, of which there were roughly twenty names, would you want a year 7, that knows no bounds being able to contact you? It is distressing that a school, that is trusted by members of society and children, who are legally entrusted with personal details, would be so lackluster with such things, and would allow students to blackmail? Could you trust that school?

Once details such as the ones contained in the 'Mailmerge' list are out of privacy in this technological age, there is little to stop them. Even if the source file was deleted, the copies would still remain. It could be that your details are still kept on the hard drive of someone unknown. 

The Trash brought the issue to the attention of the school one week ago, and through Trash intervention, the file was successfully deleted from the shared server. However, the point still stands, that if we hadn't intervened in the situation, it would be only a matter of time before someone, perhaps less mature with the information, would have got their hands on it. 

We would implore the school to issue a letter of apology to all students, for the discrepancies on their behalf, and make a written promise to all current and future students and their families, that something like this will never happen again.

If you would like to find out if your details were/are on that list, you can contact us by emailing thehampsteadtrash@gmail.com or you can directly message us on the Facebook page or through the Twitter Feed. 

The location in the Shared Area

To retain the anonymity of the people on the list, this image has had the names and personal details censored, and is
of a random point in the list.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

IT Department Boldly Discover New Explorer

After a Trash article released back in February last year, which suggested, among other things, the disbandment of Internet Explorer from School Computers, and the implementation of Google Chrome, the school has finally heeded our word and replaced the former with the browser, to many students' content.

The idea was first suggested in a spoof Suggestions Box article, and expanded upon in a Leaked Minutes article later on, and 11 months later the school has finally acted, their turnaround matching that of the British Postal System. Let's hope they don't take any of the other suggestions in the article seriously, although a guest appearance from Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye would be quite amusing.

Despite the default browser now being as slick and slimline as a shark in Lycra, their alleged £100,000 internet connection still has the processing power of Apollo 11. A word for the wise: if you are using the school computers in the first period, make sure it has had time to warm up first otherwise it'll be as slow as the queue for the canteen.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

Injury Affects Cup Chances

Whilst prepping for the East Cricklewood World Tour Cup Competition Gala (formerly Snails U-18), many players have had bumps, scrapes and dodgy cookies set them back, but with the latest injury there are many shocked people out there.

With the injury of the beloved footballer, Theo Cracy means East Quad United have to withdraw him from the competition. Wanting to find out more about how this will affect the Hampstead team from preforming in the finals, Hampstead Trash's very own Sports Editor, John 'The Rubber Johnny' Johnson managed to catch and interview with his coach Ford Tranzitte. 

‘There are many fings dat stop people like grannies and dat gettin ill but havin' a bit of leg ripped off you ain't gonna do u anny ‘arm.' He then proceeded to laugh for about five minutes about how funny he was. ‘He will play’ continued the coach and ‘is all gonna be fine’

There is no evidence of foul play however many people believe the rival gangs teams, West Quad City and Cookea FC may have distracted him during a warm up that eventually led to an injury.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.