A Study on CaterLink

Caterlink, as per its website, are "specialist caterers within schools, colleges and universities." They have contracts providing food to schools across the United Kingdom. Caterlink's parent company, Westbury Street Holdings, reported profits for 2012 were £6.2 million, after having a turnover of £466.1 million. Caterlink have held the catering contract for Camden schools (both Primary and Secondary) since 2006, and signed the latest contract, joint with Islington Council, in 2011 for £7.5 million.

The theory in outsourcing services and tendering contracts, something common in the post-Thatcher Britain, is that it brings all the benefits of the private sector, without full privatisation; that is to say that Camden in theory maintains a portion of control over dietary specifications, which one expects is a requirement in the multi-million pound contracts. But if these contracts are done for these supposed benefits, as well as the ease of Camden not having to directly provide the services, why are there so often complaints, in Camden at least, about Caterlink's food?

Just googling "Caterlink Camden" brought up this link from the CNJ, October 2011, alleges that Caterlink cut corner in producing their foods, for example filling a Meat Lasagne with "Tuna, chickpeas and carrot" (and presumably Horse-meat too). Indeed this reporter found a similar thing occurring last year, with Chicken Paninis suddenly containing vegetables, then within two weeks containing more vegetable than Chicken. It isn't something as major as this we're talking about. It's more the complaints about the portion sizes, or certain ingredients: for example the aforementioned Panini-gate or Caterlink being told to "Stop shrinking the Jelly!".

There was also news from the Mount Olympus that is the Sixth Form Common Room, as the Canteen was closed at break times due to it "not making enough money." Granted since then it has been closed due to equipment damage, however, the idea that something which is essence ran as a public service can be shut because of them not making enough money is absurd. There is the ever increasing sight of Sixth formers leaving reception at break, and returning with bags stuffed to the brim with Boost, KA, Crisps, Sweets and Chocolate. This is, of course, their prerogative, however this trend can only be aided by the absence of the healthier options Caterlink should be providing.

On the note of Sixth Form, such is the general apathy over the food offered, is that KS3 & KS4 students crave the day they are able to get their dose of Sam's, McD's, Subway or the seemingly returning Meral's (rip in peace sweet prince). No bigger damnation can come from the fact that SLT are regularly seen ordering Subway Platters for meals in meetings at lunch, rather than use Caterlink's services, showing that both Teachers and Students dislike the food.

The argument for or against the privatisation of public services is one for another time and platform, and we must hasten to add that the decision to use Caterlink is not the school's but Camden Council's. So, it must be said that, whilst the SLT cannot be blamed for this, that something cannot be done, it is up to Camden Council to come to the conclusion that Caterlink is unpopular, and that something should be done to change this. Albeit we do not have an in-depth knowledge of this; we would presume that it would cost Camden and Islington combined, less than £8.6 million (price of the contract plus the expected savings) a year to provide a decent, healthy meal that the average student would prefer to eat for free, than waiting until after school to buy a 2 for £2.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

School Attempts to Stamp Out Entrepeneurilism

The School Management has this week hit back against entrepreneurial cookie sellers, a Trash Reporter has discovered.

Sources close to the action reported that a renowned student, avid member of the school and notorious cookie vendor, was removed from lesson and their contraband seized. Talking in the aftermath, it was reported that the teachers involved said the cookies were being taken as it was "taking money from the school", and "making kids eat your crap cookies rather than hot meals". We here at the Trash are disgusted that the Management have shown a complete lack of entrepreneurial spirit in students, an attribute taught in most Business Studies, and usual totalitarianism.

Firstly, we must address the alleged money grabbing. If the school are so strapped for cash, why don't they delve into the £485k they have, or rather don't have, rather than fleecing teens. Also, if a student is providing a service due to demand, as is evident here, and is undercutting the school, that is simply good, well thought out business. The last time the school attempted to vend cookies of any kind, they were neglected by the masses, and we are sure there were some minor cases of E-Coli. The school cannot behave in such a monopolous way to other sellers, especially when their food is far below par and costing vast amounts more. Equally, as my fellow writer Heywood Jablome will expand on tonight, the school doesn't actually make any money on food.

Then, we move onto the allegation that the produce (cookies, for less observant readers), is in some way "crap". The cookies in question usually originate from shops such as Sainsbury's or Tesco; leading market brands, who have only 226 calories and 5g saturated fat per cookie. We cannot tell as to how much the school biscuits equate to in this respect; they lack any form of informative packaging, but we can guess from the puddles of grease that seems to irradiate from almost everything they cook (yes, even the salad) that it is their cookies that are doing students a world of wrongs.

Also, there is a flaw in the argument that students are somehow being bullied into buying cookies. We have seen no such practice, and find thus that the allegation that the student was "making kids eat" the cookies to be false. You would think that, by secondary school, and the ages of 11 and above, there would be a level of respect and trust that the school has in the students to make their own dietary choices, and bear the subsequent consequences. In fact, by removing the competition in the field, the school is itself bullying students into eating from only one source, unless they manage to find a way out.

If you are caught vending cookies, or any other form of produce, as long as it is not an illegal substance (which, last time we checked, cookies weren't), and the school asks you to give up your stock and/or your money, you have the right to refuse, as they are only legally allowed to search you with your consent. Equally, if you allow them to search, the person searching must be of the opposite sex, with another teacher present to bear witness. If any readers are asked to be searched, do not be intimidated; you have the right to say 'no' as long as you do not have anything illegal on you.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

Student protests and you: how to convince teenagers to jump fences

As you may have seen in the news, the government reportedly made a mathematical error in its calculation of the new tuition fees (nine thousand, Jesus). The financial climate surrounding new graduates, i.e. the lack of jobs or good pay, means that a rising figure of 45% of students are defaulting on their debts. David Willetts, a man who played a large role in the introduction of these tuition fees in 2010, has come forward and stated that as this figure approaches 48% the government, makes less and less money, approaching zero at the final 48%. To remind us of the initial backlash behind the new fees' introduction, here is a guest article, from a former Hampstead student, written about those eventful protests four years ago.

The student protests of 2010 were fun. I remember being escorted out of McDonalds by riot police, apparently hiding from being kettled behind a burger doesn’t work. Before that, however, there was this bit where 200 or so students fled Hampstead School just after the scheduled walkout time. About 3 days before protest day, me and my clean credit record got a bit upset over the tuition fee hike. At the time it was like having a baby boomer bend you over a barrel from birth and then kick you when you reached 18. So I spent a science lesson or two passing around this petition thing I drew up. It went along the lines of ‘blah blah agree to walk out at lunchtime blah blah signed: blah.‘ On its own it didn’t really do anything but it did raise awareness. Students got the concept of leaving school with everyone else at a given time and date and it snowballed from there.

To begin with no-one was really interested, but the idea was tempting. After I got a few people to agree, more and more joined since they knew people on the list. I got about 10 a lesson over 3 lessons. The teacher at the time was interested but didn’t really care since I wasn’t actively trying to break anything. It was at this point that word began to spread and people started making their own plans. It was quite easy from there.

At the same time I was messing about with my petition some other people I knew started raising support as well. Since it’s not up to me to name names I’m just going to call them the could-be-arsed's, you’ll see why if you read to the end. I never knew if we both came up with the idea on our own, or if they influenced me, or vice versa. The end result was that the GCSE people tended to hear about it from me and everyone else from them. At this point we were all geared up to walk out but had no real clue what was going to happen.

On the day itself the time I was thinking of, 13:30, came and went. There were a few people around but nothing spectacular. The could-be-arsed's and I showed up and it turned out we’d said different times. So we all went to our year rooms to try to get people to move. A lot of them were just sitting around not really sure what was happening. Students started to realise that the walk-out was actually happening and then things started moving a lot faster. Loads of students rushed the gates in a wave, it was like all those times someone was getting their teeth kicked in next to one of the cages and people ran to see it.

By the time we got up against the gates there were 200-300 people wanting out, but the gates were locked. We hadn’t thought about this bit much, especially since the gates were usually unlocked to allow the year above mine (it moved up every year) to go out and see the sights of Cricklewood. It turned out that the Head had caught wind of the protest and had locked all exits ahead of time.

He was standing in front of the gates trying to get people to move back and everything. For some reason I found myself at the front of this crowd and was pegged as a kind of spokesperson. I took over from the guy arguing with the Head but couldn’t say anything because people were going mental and I couldn’t hear.

I found out later that the Head had gone further than just locking the gates to prepare for us. Some of the year 7s had decided they wanted in (which was not our intention) and so to prevent them from leaving a staff member had locked them all in a room somewhere apparently without supervision. This was in the pre-Saville days when people didn’t mind as much about breaches of childrens’ Human Rights. With this in mind please note that the main reason we were kept locked in was because the school was tasked with duty of care over us. Looking back it was probably a fair point but it could have been managed better.

A couple of the students got so frustrated at this point that they went around the side and jumped over the iron railings in front of the school to escape. They got covered in anti-climb paint and wore it like a badge of honour for a few days. Most of us gave up at this point since the gates weren’t budging and began moving back. We got about halfway inside the school again before one person revealed they had gotten signed permission from their parents to be released from the school’s duty of care. I assume the head figured that the rebellion had been crushed, and that was why he opened the gate and allowed this person to meet their quite irate parents on the other side. Of course opening the gates led to another rush and the force of a load of student bodies kept them open. 200 or so students managed to get out and were met on the other side with a journalist from the Camden New Journal eagerly taking pictures (one of my better plans). It was a great moment, we’d managed to overcome adversity and escape into the world outside. It was at this point that 190 or so students went home to play the new Call of Duty that had come out that month, or something
else that involved not going to central London. Eventually it was just me, the could-be-arsed's, and a few others who actually went to the protest.

The rest was a lot of fun except it didn’t really achieve much. A few disabled people got beaten up by police, someone swung on the Cenotaph, and Camilla got poked with a stick. (not joking)

To sum up: if you really want to motivate students to action, promise the afternoon off and release a best-selling game a week beforehand.

- Marcus Absent

Has everyone gone NUTs?

To many, strikes may seem like a free day off school to get l33t h34dsh0tz on the new Call of Duty: Crimea River. However it’s important that we remember what this magical time of year is really for. The bottom line is, guess what, teachers are people too!

So, to counter my above statement, what do these people want?

In a press release, the National Union of Teachers (NUT) stated that their qualms were about the introduction of performance related pay, a massive workload, bureaucracy, and increased pension payments. These matters don’t just concern teachers for their own financial reasons, nor is the concern purely limited to teachers. Nearly all of these problems have an effect on the quality of teaching.

The Trash has previously stated, on multiple occasions, that it supports teachers. Our problem, however, is with Management getting in the way of actual teaching. We've seen this happen a lot of times at school. I’m sure everyone can remember the last time a member of the BLT poked their head around a door, unannounced and uninvited, and proceeded to disturb the lesson with their presence, but also with their almost religious obsession with tucked-in shirts, which has no detrimental effect to anything other than their egos and the opinion of some top-hatted turd with an Ofsted badge. Or perhaps the new rule which teachers enforce purely as of reasons from above, that planners must be open to the correct date every lesson, despite the fact that it’s more hassle to force people to get it out and open it, than to open it when necessary. The NUT is against this sort of thing, it rejects bureaucracy and big management. The development of a student’s intellect and character through their education can never be pinned down to a science. Everyone works differently, and a good teacher accommodates for this. Pointless, bureaucratic rules are wholly against this notion.

Onto the next contention they have with Michael Gove’s policies, performance related pay. You may wonder how the amount a teacher is paid affects the wellbeing of their students, but it certainly does. Performance related pay does not take into account extra-curricular activities, or teacher’s going the extra mile for an individual student to make sure they achieve the best they can. Performance related pay, and many systems like it, instead gives complete free reign to the Head to choose what all the other teachers are paid. We’re all familiar with what our Head in particular, likes, and what he doesn't like. For one, the amount of trips taken per year has sharply decreased since our current Head’s coronation. The Head also loves to spread publicity with dull statistics. He even goes so far as to bulk up these statistics, sometimes using perhaps questionable techniques, such as the inflation of Hampstead Sixth Form applications, if you count the ones that year 11's are forced to do to practice, which are somehow submitted by default. And, if you’d been listening in Biology, where one trait is rewarded, it will become more prevalent. What does this mean? This means that those teachers who conform to this statistical fetish and make the Head seem better will be rewarded more, and so will become more prevalent. This also means that work that slips under the Head’s radar goes unrewarded where it otherwise would have made no difference, yet where it can be measured as an attractive number to slap on a prospectus and call it a day, the work is rewarded much more. But surely teachers should have to seek the Head’s approval for every action just to get more pay? This disincentivises extra work. Extra work which can make quite a difference. We can also see that extra-curricular activities have decreased in prevalence, now mostly seeming to consist of sports clubs, lots of which have external teachers who are paid separately. Extra-curricular clubs out of a teacher’s own time have partially disappeared, seemingly. This is not a dig at our teachers, as they strive to increase the extra-curricular, but the mix of disincentivising extra work, whilst giving teachers more work with less time to do it in does not bode well for the ambitious.

As for other, more financial and personal grounds teachers have to strike, the Trash cannot comment, as it doesn’t concern students, however it’s in my personal opinion, and I’m sure I’m not alone in it, that teaching is one of the most important professions. So follows that Michael Gove’s new restrictions overwork teachers until the age of 68, with a dwindling pension fund, when that should not be the case at all. The NUT claims that “Two in five teachers are leaving the profession within five years due to intolerable workload pressures, performance related pay, increased pensions contributions and working until 68.”, and that’s not good.

To conclude, powers outside of Mr. Szamalamadingdong’s control, the government and its ilk, are out of touch with what is needed, both by teachers and students. The Trash stands with the NUT in its strike action on the 26^th of March, and commend those teachers who have decided to put their students' education first and come in tomorrow to aid selected Year 11's, 12's and 13's with their exams.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

A Study on Homework

This week I would like to turn your eyes to homework, or 'Home Learning' as it has been dubbed recently at Hampstead (no doubt another 'initiative' to hide the fact that it is 'work' they are making you do, not learning). Homework is the plight of all students, and it is a mix of both school and homework that consumes many students' time, leaving them little to do other activities. A Hampstead day consumes six and a half hours of your day. Now, if you factor in an average 30 minutes travel time to and from school, as well 1-2 hours, school could, in fact, end up taking a good nine and a half hours. So, surely, the answer to this, is to get rid of Homework, and make sure that everything a student needs is taught in school time?

Some, and I am sure many student readers, are very keen for this to become reality, but there may be a simpler, even more convenient option to hand for our students of the 21st century. A study by the London School of Economics and Political Science has found that people who work from home are "happier and more productive". So, rather than doing all your learning within school time, it is done as and when students please from home.

This ideal isn't an impossible task. At Hampstead, every teacher has their own school email, there are online learning resources for mostly all subjects taught in KS4 and KS5, such as BBC Bitesize, as well as numerous workbooks and guides that students are being given in lieu of exams. If you would imagine, for a second, this scenario:

A student, on a Monday, is emailed a week's worth of work from each teacher, whether it be written, listening, research, you name it, which they have until Friday to complete. It is then up to them as to when they complete the work, and how much. The teachers take in the work on the Friday, and have it marked for the following week. Students who complete all the work will get the grades, which will be a true show of their work ethic to prospective employers, and the complacent will fail and not meet their aspirations.

The LSE study does, however, say that the happiest employees are "those who can work partially from home and partially in the office. They report the highest levels of work/life satisfaction because they can juggle personal responsibilities yet are not socially isolated", so it may be that on one day a week, you are free to come to school to socialise with peers, meet if you are part of a collective for a project, and ask teachers' advice on any work.

Another thing to touch on is the placement of school within the day. Thanks to the Society of Lycanthropic Twats the school day now starts 8:35 in the morning, meaning some students have to awake at 5:00 in the morning, or earlier, just to get in the door on time. This is, of course, is depriving them of one thing that teenagers need in excessive quantities: sleep. A study by the Bradley Hasbro Research Centre has found that a later start for students improves sleep, as well as functioning in the day. Quoting the article, it says that "Sleep deprivation is epidemic among adolescents, with potentially serious impacts on mental and physical health, safety and learning. Early high school start times contribute to this problem," and that "Most teenagers undergo a biological shift to a later sleep-wake cycle, which can make early school start times particularly challenging."

In the study, that tested the functions of teenage students with different rising times, Dr. Boergers found that "Daytime sleepiness, depressed mood and caffeine use were all significantly reduced after the delay in school start time. The later school start time had no effect on the number of hours students spent doing homework, playing sports or engaging in extracurricular activities."

In light of this research we have found that, in fact, late starts are better for students, and more independent working generates happier, more functional students.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

Development on the School Inspection

Earlier, on Monday, we posted an article regarding the inspections that were taking place and here we are, this time with more leaked information.

Firstly, we can confirm that the inspection was not being undergone by Ofsted, but was from someone else. The Inspectors' aims were to review lessons and give the School constructive criticism about the teaching, the passing on of information and how to manage pupils (because that's what this school needs, more management). Later on Tuesday, a focus group of students were interviewed about their views on the school (how the school willingly allowed students to express their views about the school is still a wonderment to us), what was good (because this is a 'good' school), what needed improving, and also a range of other questions.

As we delve deeper into the facts, the information gets a bit hazy as our sources get more and more unreliable. The general gist, as far as we can glean, is that the students were asked your standard questions of "what do you think? How is it? Are you learning?" As well as discussing the finer points of Hampstead’s teaching system. Sadly we have little information and will share more as we find it.

However the top voted improvement by the student was that the head should listen to ideas more… Make of that what you will.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

Hampstead Inspection Looms

It has been announced that an inspection of Hampstead School (formerly East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive) is to take place, running from today (Monday 17th) through to this Wednesday 19th. The Trash has be unable to obtain as to whether the inspection being undergone by Ofsted or another body, however avid Trash reporters caught glimpses of many sweaty suited officials slaving away over laptops in the Conference Room today. Inspections are set to begin as of tomorrow.

This revelation comes quickly after a barrage of emails and requests by SLT to staff over the visibility of student planners, untucked shirts and blazers (as always), all things that Ofsted have recently heavily lambasted local Acland Burghley for. We at the Trash are more than happy to heavily condemn Ofsted for their "nit picking" and the state of fear it has induced. We, unlike Ofsted, believe a school should be judged on the quality of learning, which is for the most part unquestionable at Hampstead, and not the state of uniform (thank you, Gove, for being shallow as a puddle), and we would ask that, despite recent LGBT legal reform, Ofsted remain a little less anal in their views.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

ETC Part Two: The irrelevance to continue

We saw the posters around. We laughed, secretly thinking that this was some sort of early April Fools joke. But alas, that was in November. It's now March and there's a Buzz going around that ETC is back and, presumably, as irrelevant as ever.

Long has it been said in the reunified quad, that there was an absence of One Direction fanfiction in our school life since the first edition of ETC, and now that Tumblr is blocked, this thirst cannot be quenched. However with the announcement in various assemblies that ETC was to return before half term, we can all rest assured that we will get our Harry-on-Ronan-on-Ringo-on-Bjorn action.

In all seriousness, we saw the failure of the first edition, with issues picked up, laughed at, and chucked in the pond. Those poor Frogs and Goldfish have done nothing to deserve a second issue, the poor things. The strange name, presumably stolen from the Ham And High entertainment section, has been kept despite being a target of much derision (taking after the Head, we see).

Why struggle to keep such an unneeded thing alive? The humane thing to do would let it die in peace, like iBehave and other poorly thought out schemes before it. Out of date Sports articles, bad technology reviews and fanfiction are sadly not Rights Of A Child. Alas, freedom of speech is, but if this were a serious consideration The Trash would not have been blocked on the school servers, fruity language and all. If everybody actually wanted to read something rubbish, irrelevant for their daily lives and that creates loads of litter, they'd go for the Metro.

To sum it all up in a quote, "In the midst of life, we are in death, etcetera."

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

EXCLUSIVE: REAL LEAKED Minutes from School Council March 2014

With March 6th's School Council Meeting, we at the Trash acquired the hot-off-the-press notes from said meeting, which means it's that time of the year where Cllr. Hugh G. Rection gets to have a go at what we think should be named the School Bureau of Bureaucracy. This article, again, pretty much wrote itself, as we received notes from one very disgruntled Councillor, who's notes we would class as 'snarky' in the least.

The first item on the agenda was that "Quality of school meals dropped". Beneath this was the point that simply said "portion size". Perhaps, and this is a long shot, but they actually read the detritus people feed into the Suggestion Boxes, as this was raised some time ago with the suggestion "Stop shrinking the Jelly!!!". It is true that portion sizes are getting smaller, and, as proper nourishment is one of the Rights of a Child, the school should really make inquiries.

It won't though.

Many of the other points on food were the same, venial witterings that we always encounter with the School Council, including one asking for "PERFECTION", which seems a little optimistic since the standard of catering at the moment is 'Just About Edible', some of the kitchen staff perfecting the art of making something to be both burnt and frozen at the same time. However, more on the Caterlink situation will be said in Heywood Jablome's study on the subject this Friday.

The next point on the agenda made us very pleased here at the Trash, as it simply goes "House system – maybe not", which is what we have been saying for the last two Real Leaked Minutes. This not only goes to show that the Councillors are sane of mind, but also the student voice is making it through to our representatives if written scathingly on a blog. A house system is vindictive, divisive and stupid; no wonder the Head probably favours it.

Then we got a little annoyed. Under the next point, about after school activities, it is written "Teachers to take it more seriously". We at the Trash believe that teachers take our education very seriously, and we are well endowed with the fact that teachers spend many an evening revising with students or running extra-curricular activities. Make no mistake when we condemn the extra-curricular activities situation, we are condemning the lack of funding and variety in activities, not teacher commitment. On this matter, we firmly stand with the teachers.

Item 4 reads "Rebuilding ‘cheap’ playground". As this is a secondary school, we don't have a playground. We have the Head's Helipad Quad, the Smoker's Area Bike Sheds and that hill at the back, but no ''cheap' playground'.

Item 5 talked of "Older Years helping Younger Years" which is, of course, is a stupid idea, as older years are normally busy with these little things called exams, which means having to deal with a snotty little Year 7 kid would just send them over the edge.

Item 6 then went on to propose we replace Caterlink with KFC outlets. We are sure there are problems with Camden saying something about healthy eating, but we have to agree that students would like it more, be happier for learning and definitely more full. Unfortunately, Hampstead has already brokered a deal with Sam's over this matter, so a KFC contract would be void.

Then the idea of a more transparent School Council was raised, and this was actually a decent point. Why do you think we publish these leaked minutes? Of course, Lord of Darkness Mr. Szomebodytoldmekowski probably doesn't prefer transparency, it usually leads to people knowing what he's up to. He doesn't like that.

There was a shout as well for "MORE PUBLICITY!!!" for the School Council, but we are unsure as to why; everyone already knows they are useless. Then, we move onto the notion of a "Year council suggestion box". Again, not worth the money. If we wanted to be listened to any less we would simply strike up a conversation with one of the SLT.

I could go on, but the effort it would take would involve some hefty opiates to overcome the frustration. I suggest you read the minutes, especially the 'snarky' ones, as they are just funny on their own, the link is here. Whilst talking to the Councillors, we found out that, in a conversation about certain claims made by "that pissing blog", the teacher that oversees the School Council said that they had "only been responsible for two of the bins". This, despite trying to exempt the School Council from the millions of bins that plague the school, actually makes them look even worse than already, as it means that the School Council, when shoving in our face the fact they had done this massive campaigns on bins, was actually taking the glory from someone else.

I wonder who else does that...

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

App-solutely Terrible

With the new half term, students will have seen new posters emblazoned on school walls, regarding the Hampstead School Code of Conduct. Now, however snazzy these posters are, we thought it a bit odd that, perhaps to attract younger minds, the Code of Conduct had been placed on an image of a phone. It seems ironic that the key rules of the school are shown on one of the many things that are banned from the school premises.

The phone does show how spectacularly backwards the SLT's views are. It doesn't take an A* ability in close-word-analysis that 'Uniform' takes pride of place at the top of the image, and Home Learning (or Homework for those adverse to new 'initiatives') is left to fester on the second left line.

Other hilarities include the 'Responsibility' sign, the UNICEF logo, in the centre, like the Management have ever had good conduct in that area of 'responsibility'. And, finally, at the bottom right-hand corner, we have, under 'environment', a badly photoshopped Hampstead Trash.

To view the poster, see below:

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.

Special Report from Year 11

With the Exam Season nearly upon us, we have here a special report from Year 11 about how they have been getting along with the necessary evil that plagues us all: revision.

Revision, for me, is a very uncommon thing; the last time I properly revised for something was probably in the run up to my SAT's in Year 6, meaning my revision books had been, for quite a while, left to fester in the corner of my room, becoming nothing more than flypaper for an inch of dust. However, with my GCSE's on the horizon like a bedraggled terminator, I was told to begin revising, being given books from the school, as well as getting my own. After all, this was going to aid my education, and, therefore, my life in general.

Now, I am fully aware of the governmental changes that have taken place over the past few years, especially the such drastic ones in the education, however, I was astounded and appalled by the standard, or rather lack of, in the revision books, as well as workbooks in general. In most of the texts there wasn't just typos or printing errors, there were genuine syllabus-based misnomers.

For instance, this was taken from the CGP Physics Workbook:

 Now, this simple print mistake now means I cannot even second-guess the question, and means I have to now look elsewhere to revise that part of the topic.

Sticking with CGP (or Cock Groping Prats), and the sciences, this little excerpt is taken from a simple question in their Biology Workbook, asking to name the cell:

Now, you could have answered that with a simple 'egg' or 'ovum', and you would have been more than correct, as per their mark-scheme at the back of the book. However, if you had answered 'oocyte', the correct scientific definition of a female gamete, you would have lost the mark, despite it being a more than acceptable answer in the actual exam.

It gets worse, as we move away from the Cathedral of Green Phalluses and onto Edexcel's very own revision booklets. In their Geography Revision Guide, this came up:

Now, I may not be an expert in the word 'how', but it usually implies to the reader how something is to occur, in this instance how, through geographical processes, a spit is formed. What it instead offers is an explanation of simply what a spit is. I had the good sense to use the internet to relearn something that I had learnt and forgot in Year 10, but as the exam board's own book, you would think they would take it a little more seriously, or even make it a little more accurate.

In the complimentary Edexcel Geography Workbook, a question on Drainage Basins was posed, and asked readers simply to label the different letter as what they were in geographical terms:

Now, this would seem rather straightforward to a normal onlooker, but to a keener geographer's eye, you notice that the labeling system they have adopted for this is as about as specific as the question "What's that?". A and E sit on the same line, so either could be the Watershed and both are near to a source, so they could both be the label for source. D could be any of Upper Course, Confluence, Tributary or Middle Course, C being similar with options Confluence or Lower Course. Most people would assign B Mouth, and they would gain the mark, however, it still could be a Delta or even something as simple as Sea or Lake. This non-prescriptiveness just begs confusion, and would never stand up in an actual test.

You would think that, as private companies that make their money servicing the students of our country, they would have the ability to write texts that actually helped and not hindered, especially Edexcel, the people who are responsible for marking the paper that dictates the grade that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Little mistakes like these just chip away at my confidence in the exam boards, and the education system.

Now, there is always the defense that there have been many education 'reforms' in recent years, and the boards and revision experts are struggling to keep up. We must therefore share a little of the blame on the government and Senor Gove, but, if you cannot deliver a high standard of service, do not print these books at all, at least not until someone has proofread them. Oh, wait, the CGP Physics book referred to earlier has 8 authors and 6 editors, and the CGP biology has 8 authors, 2 editors and 6 proofreaders. Collectively, did none of them re-read their work?

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to inform readers, portraying a factual argument over a specific subject or to report objectively on an event that has occurred.

Favouritism in the SLT

Getty Reuters has snapped another shot for us this week, showing the kind of favouritism that runs rife throughout the corrupt establishment that is the Management.

In the image, entitled: 'SLT - Sad, Lonely, but Tolerant' a famed SLT is seen being left out in the rain by Szomewhereovertherainbowkowski and his boy toy, whilst they shelter under their neatly coloured red and white ego.

Also being dubbed as 'Sad SLT is Sad', appeals have been made to the Head to review the Human Rights Act, as sodden staff tend not to work as well, although there is a rumour going around that leaving them in a bag of rice overnight tends to solve the problem.

If you catch any snaps of SLT looking sad, lonely, upset or generally under the weather (literally in this case), please send them in to us at thehampsteadtrash@gmail.com, or direct message us on Facebook or Twitter.

Below is 'SLT - Sad, Lonely, but Tolerant'...

An Interview with the Trash

Avid readers of local news will have last week seen a two page spread in the Ham and High of an interview with us (link here). However lovely the article, we thought it only just for us to publish the interview in its unrefined entirety, as follows:

You’ve all recently celebrated one year of the Hampstead Trash – what have been the highlights from the last year?

Remaining founders: Firstly, the initial set up of the blog, as that was a lot of fun to do, and also it set in stone from the outset what we wanted to achieve.

All: The SLUDGE obituary article, which got Kinnan, our former leader, in quite a bit of hot water, was fun to read, and the media and public attention, that we came to know as Trashgate, that it brought with it reaffirmed and solidified what the blog was about. Equally, Mailmerge, as it has been dubbed, was a turning point for the blog, as it proved that, whilst still being largely satirical and about the student voice, we were here as well to show the school in its true colours, and to openly correct the misgivings that have been able to occur without the presence of the blog.

How does it feel to reach the one year anniversary, in a year where your editor Kinnan was reported to police by the school after revealing his identity on the blog.

It feels like a true achievement, despite all the ups and downs. Certainly Kinnan being treated in such a malicious way by the management made us feel that he had been unjustly treated, and also made us fearful that for doing the right thing, we would be punished. However, this made us even more determined in continuing our work, until Hampstead is a school where free speech of this level is openly accepted.

What are some of your plans for the blog in the next year?

 We don’t want to give away too many spoilers, but with a year under our belt, we are striving even harder to build an open forum for student views to be heard and seriously considered, since the current School Council has continued to be inept and have little motivation to generate any true change. We also want to involve students more with school activities, as there is currently a silent majority that have no representation.

Finally, we are making plans to motivate students in other schools, that have to suffer the same problems, to do as we have done, with our guidance, as we believe the problems we experience are not unique.

How long have you all been involved  with the blog? Since the beginning?

The Editorial Team were founding members along with Kinnan, so we have been here since the start, and have taken the helm since he has left. The other writers have come to write in the months since Trashgate, when there was a surge of student opinion as a result.

Why did you get involved with this blog in the first place?

The Hampstead Trash Blog started up as an idea for a Student Union, alike the ones in Universities, after a general discontent over the decisions by the school's Senior Management. This idea  never picked up, and for almost a year after, nothing was done.

In February 2013, Kinnan, along with the founder members, thought of a Blog, to satirise the school, alike how Private Eye satirises Parliament. It was also founded to act much like a student newspaper for the school, since our student newspaper currently stands at one issue, that had many issues, the main one being it having nothing to do with the school (e.g the whole page of One Direction fan fiction).

The newer writers, whilst still believing in the same goals and general principles that the founding members carry, maintain that they are part of the blog to exercise their free speech, or to satirise events that they personally have found worth satirising.

After you all saw the school’s action against Kinnan, do you have any concerns that involvement on the blog will come back to haunt you further down the line, say at uni or in your careers?

A quote from the Head that definitely haunts us is that he said: “If he had been younger, he would have been expelled”. This worries us partly because this man, who is responsible for the education of over 1,200 students would be willing to derail their educational career during, for instance, their GCSE’s or A-Levels, hence our strong anonymity policy.

And what are some of your aspirations for the future?

We pride ourselves on the fact that we have many various students, who are interested in many different things writing for the blog. It is not like an English student club; Kinnan, for example, got a C in English GCSE, and now studies Maths. Very few of our writers would consider any further work in either satire, politics or writing in the future, which brings many varied perspectives on internal school politics.

After revealing some of the school’s errors and misconducts, do any of you feel bad about the work you do on the blog?

No. We support the teachers and the work they do, because we can see every day that they work hard to make sure students succeed. Despite censorship, we know there is a general readership in the staffroom.

We always make sure that no teachers, bar the Head, are mentioned by name, and we only publicly reveal misgivings because that is the only way we know that something will be done about them. It is not us that is at fault when we reveal any misconduct, it is the school, and therefore it is them that should bear the consequences for their misgivings.

 “We are making plans to motivate students in other schools, that have to suffer the same problems, to do as we have done, with our guidance, as we believe the problems we experience are not unique.”

 This is really interesting. I appreciate you are currently in the planning stages with this, but how do you envisage going about doing this with other schools? Will you focus just on Camden’s other schools for the moment or will it be any school?

We have had a few requests from students that attend schools as far as Wales, who wanted to set up something in likeness with the Trash. Now we feel we have the ability to guide other students in doing the same thing.

We have been in contact with students in schools in Camden and elsewhere, and if any readers of this interview want more information about setting up their own Trash, they can contact the Trash through email or social networks. Any blogs that do arise in other schools would become part of the Trash Network, and would be endorsed by us.

I also just want to unpick this statement a little: “Despite censorship, we know there is a general readership in the staffroom.”

What does this censorship consist of?

 As we have reported on in numerous articles, the blog is blocked on school servers, disallowing anyone to view our blog in school, which means in the parameters of the school grounds the school is disobeying Articles 1, 2, 3, 4, 12, 13, 14 and 15 of the UN convention on the Rights of a Child, which the Management supposedly endorse. Under reasons for blocking the site, there are none, as it does not come under pornography of any type, it is not violent and, as of Trashgate, doesn’t use offensive language. However, if you wish to view how to make a pipe bomb or learn how to clean you bong, you are fully able to.

I know you’ve touched on this a bit but: why is writing for the blog worth the risk at all?

We are serious about getting the best out of our school in terms of education, and are motivated enough to act upon that. Also, we have invested our time in the school as students, so we all want the school to benefit from us, so the next generation of students can enjoy Hampstead as it should be.

In the Ham and High article, a spokesperson for the school is quoted saying: "As a rights respecting school, there are many channels through which students can express their views, including school council and suggestion boxes." This seems to be another amazing feat of incomprehension by the school's management, as, and as we have said in the past repeatedly, the blog was set up out of frustration that these channels are not taken seriously. It only takes to look at a Leaked Minutes to see our standpoint on the relevance, or rather irrelevance, of the School Council. The phrase 'falling on deaf ears' comes to mind, as it is one thing to set these systems in place, and it is another thing entirely to action them. 

The Management has taken their usual stance of stonewalling the Trash, despite us trying to improve the school, as they are so narrow minded that they will not accept that their school carries faults, and that we are here, willingly, trying to solve said problems. If the school Management had any sense they would be lapping up our input, as it is very uncommon to get so many students motivated enough about their school to try and induce change.

Also, returning to the whole "Rights Respecting School". We did say in the interview that the school have broken, and this is just over the Trash, Articles 1, 2, 3, 4, 12, 13, 14 and 15 of the UN convention on the Rights of a Child, which the Management supposedly endorse. Does that sound like a Rights Respecting School to you?

Iliteracy Levels Reach New High - Hed Pruod

The school has, once again, not spent all those hundreds of thousands of pounds on students, and have been rewarded with sloppy gains from Year 8 History students. A Trash photographer, who goes under the pseudonym Getty Reuters, managed to catch snaps earlier this week of the amazing levels of literacy in our 12-year-olds.

This is not the first time the Trash has published hilariously bad literacy and understanding; back in 2013 we showed the public shots of RS (Rubbish Schooling) work, where the best response to which was: "Please tell me these were year 7's, who don't speak English as their first language!". They were, instead, found in the Year 11 room.

Commenting on the revelation, the Head has said that Hampstead "is pruod of its 63%, 5 year trend of illiteracy, fanks too the Engrish Durpartmunt. I has already make up next year bannerz sayin '63% A* two E'."

The History work was a stunningly accurate portrayal of the Romans, saying: "The Roman army is lhe most import thing because they help Rome have a empire and get good". Other features included "The Roman army was importent because they garded Rome and help Rome have a empire also the formation the did help them win." and a horse simply saying "hhh".

Of course, for this, we cannot lay blame on the teachers; they instead do an amazing job. But, in this instance at least, we can blame society, the parents, the primary school, the student for not reading enough, the Phonics system (I mean, seriously, which pothead came up with that hair-brained arse-fart of an idea?), and the government, who we can thank especially now that Britain is ranked 22nd out of 24 countries for literacy.

The offending poster

A close-up of the 'best bits' - photography by Getty Reuters

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.