Op-Ed #13

Didier Poisson, ex-Leader of the Astroturf Nation Party, writes:

I am dismayed, and I am disgusted! Disgusted at the level of scaremongering occurring in both camps of the Norf Weezie Union Referendum Debate. Despite being a remainer myself, I have been abhorred by my own side as well as those swivel-eyed ganja-monkeys campaigning to leave.

In the past week alone we have heard threats that leaving would incur Whitefield War Three (WW3) and that the NWU was akin to "Hipsters' desire to control all of Camden". Of all the facts and forecasts, we have heard threats that in either case jellies would be shrunk, pigeon consumption would fall, CaterLink would continue to serve 'meals' and Meral's (blessed be they) would never rise again. Planners would only get larger and heavier, blazers would lose their figure-hugging shape and Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye would be deported (for coming from the Republic of Ayeland).

Enough, I say, enough! No more of this negativity. The Hampstead - and more importantly Astroturf - population is sick of the schoolboy hurling of ad hominem abuse. No more "you smell", "your mum" and "no your mum"; these grave pars have to end. From now onwards we should not act like quarrelling teens, but have positive campaigns that outline the positive case for either side.

Some readers may think it odd that not two years ago I was fully in favour of leaving another union, that of the one with the greater Hampstead, and so would assume that I would be equally campaigning for us to leave this union. However, many things were different back then; we were trying to come out of an undemocratic system where we had little sovereignty over our own land, with most of it being given away to an unelected leader many miles away who could overrule us on many decisions, all in the interest of the economy and shared borders. Totally different.

The key thing is that if Hampstead votes to leave, the Astroturf will undoubtedly have another referendum within two years on our membership with Hampstead, as we may want to rejoin the NWU. And what will Hampstead do without its blessed artificial playing field?


DISCLAIMER: The editor would like readers to note that, since the building work began, the Astroturf is now an irrelevance, and it seems Mr Poisson is living in the past. Thank god a fish-based figure no longer leads the ANP. As always, this is a spoof, yadee yadee yada...

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Names from the Block

In a strange turn of events, the Trash has learned that yesterday the School Council convened for an emergency meeting. In that meeting students were given a rare opportunity to voice their opinions, being asked by the School for suggestions for possible names for the forthcoming new buildings being added to the site.

Of course, knowing Hampstead's less-than-democratic past, we are fairly sure any such meeting was instigated to give the feel that any such names that are eventually picked were chosen by the students, in the same way the blazers were ‘chosen’ by the students. And, of course, knowing the type of student chosen to be a member of the council, and going by past examples of the types of suggestions they are capable of (see any Leaked Minutes article ever), any suggestions made (rather than opening it out to the whole school) would be so unworthy of note they would be on a par with what the school Management will irrevocably come up with.

Now, we are pretty certain the final names will be somewhere along the lines of the Zadie Smith Building or the Rachel Yankey Block, or going by the naming of the DTI Block, the Szemalikowski Appreciation Block, but in the interest of opinion and funnies, here are some of the leaked suggestions from that meeting:

• Blocky McBlockface
• Hampstead Theatre Religion Arts Science and History building
• The Kinnan Zaloom Department for Political Sciences - in which there is no faculty head and no control
• Minitrue, Minipax, Miniluv and Miniplenty
• The Sanatorium
• Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye Institute for Children Studies
• The Kremlin
• The STD Building (formerly the bikesheds)
• Manor Farm (previously on the site of the Ecology Area)
• The Eastern Bloc
• HM Cricklewood Scrubs
• … or ‘The New Block’ and ‘The New New Block’ again.

DISCLAIMER: Whilst the article may be true, the student suggestions certainly aren’t. But they should be...

n GIFs that show Shrinking Jellies represent Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Leadership

Whilst we've slagged off Buzzfeed before (once, twice, three times a cancer on journalism), and while we'd already dreamt up the funniest way of coming up with a fourth, this article by the actual Buzzfeed popped up on Facebook, making us more determined to finish this. Sadly, we chose a stupidly difficult thing to find GIFs of, so there aren't as many as real Buzzfeed's article, but it's just as big a waste of your time.

1. Here's Corbyn staring into the camera, knowing you want bigger jellies.

2. Jelly man from Monsters Inc slips through the grate, like Blairites from Jez's cabinet.

3. Corbyn celebrates his successful campaign against Tory jelly cuts.

4. Hand gestures showing how jelly sizes have been squeezed.

5. How Jellies used to shake in the good old Old Labour days of old.

6. Damn blues stealing our green-and-pleasant jelly.

7. The eternal fight of jellies of different political persuasions,
including the squashing of the worker's jelly by the Tories.

8. Blairite jellies cannot decide which way to lean.

DISCLAIMER: Jeremy Corbyn has no real policy on the shrinking of our jellies by the bourgeoisie, an election pledge sorely missed from the Labour manifesto. Abdi Corbyn, however, is fully in favour of the renationalisation and standardisation of the jellies.

Op-Ed #12

Abdi Corbyn writes (again):

Hello chaps! What is wagwarning?

You know, my fellow comrades, I've had a lot of flak recently, and I want to talk to you, the public, about how I, Abdi Corbyn, am not to blame for everything. Some people have written some pretty nasty Blairite stuff about how I still have no control over my party and its message, despite not doing too poorly in the regional Back Cage North and . Well, I can say categorically, after an internal exploratory discussion, that I am quite possibly the leader!

Some fellow chaps (who, I might add, are not in the party anymore, thanks to my lighting-fast action as leader) got into a little bit of hot water in the press recently for saying some things, and being generally anti-semitic. I won't tolerate this... much. A lot of my friends are anti-semites, and so it horrendous to discriminate against any group of people. As Chairman Mao once said [In the interest of brevity, this paragraph has been cut short by sixty-three pages. -Ed]

Anyway, we can safely agree that it won't be tolerated, not in my party. In my party we tolerate everyone, except the coked-up horse-fiddlers on the other side of the School Council Commons, Capitalists and anyone who cannot tolerate everyone (which, seemingly, includes ourselves. Oops.) As such, I have launched an inquiry, to question whether or not this anti-semitism is a result of a right-wing Blairite conspiracy (P.S, it definitely is).

That said, chaps, I must apologise for the recent remarks made by a fellow chap and good friend of mine, Ken Deadrock, who has sadly left the party of his own free will. In a world of startling contradictions - David Cameron calling Nigeria 'fantastically corrupt', a straight woman winning Eurovision, to name but a few - it is no wonder that dear Ken was dazed and confused into thinking Hitler was a Zionist. Some of my best friends are Hitlers, so it's an outrageous comment to be making. As my good friends at Hezbollah used to say: "I've got 99 problems but my 99 wives ain't one".

DISCLAIMER: As always, this article is a spoof, and so the character and the views expressed are entirely fictitious. Although, there are some very real idiots out there who believe this stuff.

UNICEF Report

Paying extortionate amounts of money to UNICEF (see Trash passim) seems to have gotten the school the celebrity treatment. We have reported on the visit of heartthrob Tom Hiddleston, but this week brought a fresh reminder that, however nice, the showbiz meet-and-greet is just a mutual ruse to create meaningless publicity.

The Head in his infinite (if not ultimately flawed) sense of media savvy found time in his busy schedule of learning walks and pretending to be a headteacher of a school to stop by for a great group shot with Coriolanus and one of the less evil cabinet members, but thankfully such a vomit-inducing picture of superficial media excellence (or should I say 'good’ness?) was contained to the school and UNICEF websites. That said, past experience tells us that the Head will find every physical way possible to post that glory shot wherever possible.

Despite purporting to be a 'talk’ with Hampstead students, there seemed to be surprisingly little talking on the part of the students in the video released and instead a lot of talking at students. In fact, the substantive part of the accompanying video of the event consisted of a heartfelt if slightly naïve piece to camera by the only one in the room who could remember lines (save the children, or the minister for that matter, or the Head…)

In a patronising tone, the Secretary of State said that after this meeting she wanted to go to the World Humanitarian Summit in Istanbul with some (pre-established) ideas and be “able to say ‘well this is what UK young people think’.” Not being funny, but the students, or ‘people of age minority’, in that room do not accurately represent what Hampstead Young people think and do (I mean, they did PSCHEJKSDF work for starters), let alone what all 11 million children in this country think. It doesn't take a mathematician to tell you a ten kids from a single school does not make a great sample to extrapolate for all kids.

Asked what the government was doing to ensure children were safe in school, Justine Greening MP commented on “how much we had tried to do” in responding to the Syria crisis, because dropping bombs on an already war-torn country makes kids safer. Unless, of course, she was referring to the child refugees fleeing the conflict, to whom the government had done the arse-end of nothing to help until they had been bullied into taking on more child refugees that day in a u-turn.

Now, there were some genuine points made in the UNICEF video, and so we suggest that you do read up a little on what UNICEF do, but, as is our fault with this event in particular, it is not enough to simply be aware of a problem. Talk about acting does not amount to action.

Uniform Correction

Despite the incessant reminders about school uniform, the school has for the summer term published a (somewhat hastily assembled) guide to 'correct uniform'. Shame, then, that they couldn't also use correct punctuation and formatting.

Ignoring the doge-esque annotation of the photo of students wearing 'exemplary' uniform, the document had a knack of repeating itself, including the ardent belief that students should be wearing plain black footwear, but nothing vaguely comfortable, not least of which Dr Martens, which were originally designed for comfort.

Funny, then, that when at Hampstead, poster-girl (quite literally) and bastion of the school's creative alumni Zadie Smith was allegedly reported to have been a fan of the brand of boots in her student days. Then again, in those days you didn't need to be dressed for learning to do well for yourself. Et tu, Hampstead?

Spot the lack of formatting, or the need of a comma.

Op-Ed #11

Lord Tony ‘Assembly’ Hall writes:

As Director General of the Buzz Bashing Corporation (BBC), the independent and completely partial media corporation for Hampstead School (and proprietor of the Trash), I have been perturbed by the Management’s recent moves to try and curb some of our freedoms, claiming we show an evident bias against the Management and their policies (which is completely untrue, we have an unwavering record on complete honesty and accurate reporting; it's not our fault if they are terrible). After all, there is no chance that every corporation’s trust has a chance of being corrupt.

The proposed plans also include the replacement of out trust of ‘student leaders’ with the even less democratically-elected school representatives, a move most definitely intended to try and make the corporation a propaganda organ for the school. Other tell-tale signs include the proposed name change to the Big Brother Corporation.

Other plans include a change to the time we are allowed put out our main articles, to give other competitive corporations (such as the flailing ETC.) more of a chance, as well as a promise for content to be less like the pointless bile they pump out. We have also been commanded to begin every broadcast with the phrase “Praise the Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea Admiral General Szecretaryforculturemediaandsportkowski”, a radical change from our current “‘Sup w********s, what’s good?”

Most damningly of all, the Management have said they will not lift the ban on the Blazer Bulletin Corporation on school servers, despite reforms, even though they contend to be respecters of the right to the freedom of the media. Asked by one of my reporters if he was acting like a totalitarian dictator, silencing damaging reports, Admiral General Szilenceikillyoukowski responded: “Silence him.”

Now all we can do is bend over and take it like I learnt in prep school, or we can continue to be arrogantly rebellious, truthful and opinionated. You know what, I prefer that idea.

DISCLAIMER: All the views in this article are fictitious and fabricated, as is the character. It is a spoof. Duh.

Celestial Inequality Month

School screens normally have something idiotic or ironic written on them (see Trash passim), and this week was no exception. One of the faux announcements being royally ignored by students was the revelation that it is Sun Awareness Week.

So, since the sun only occupies the sky for half of every day, we asked some students to tell us how aware they were of the sun:

“What, that big ball of light in the sky is the sun? Nah, I thought that was someone’s really big idea.”

- Abdi (Year 8)

“The sun is the moon. That’s why you never see them at the same time. That’s why they’re the same size.”

“I thought the sun was bruck in two and that’s why we have Venus.”

“Nah, everyone knows the sun is a natural satellite, that’s why it goes round the earth. I learnt that in science.”

- Abdi and Abdi (Years 12 & 13)

“We should all be aware of the sun. The sun is what happens when you don’t brush your teeth. The sun used to be white as the moon, but it didn’t brush after eating its undersized jellies and it went yellow.”

- Mr Abdi (Physics Teacher)

Monty Don’s Gardener’s World

Wazzup! The M-Don in da house. I’ve been told recently that my programme on gardening has not been really capturing the younger viewer, so this one’s dedicated to all the youths out there. Represent.

I’ve teamed up with an urban gardening project in North London’s Hampstead School, who have turned a disused Ecology Area into a patch for cultivating the most sacred of herbs. The first plant that we are planting up today is Papaver somniferum, which Alan ‘Titchy’ Marsh is currently putting into the ground.

Also on the menu today is cannabis ruderalis, an exotic plant from Latin America, which I highly recommend for those who want that smoky flavour in their chocolate brownies. Now, the best place to plant these is in a well-lit warm room in the basement of a Council estate, but we’re gonna have to make do with this filing cabinet. Now, these can be harvested around August-September time, just in time for those results day parties.

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously not an article written by the presenter Monty Don, and so is a spoof.

Op-Ed #10

For the sake of Editorial Standards, any remarks in the following opinion piece deemed too offensive for publication have been redacted.

DoNaldé Trump writes:

[Racist remark about Mexicans]

[Reiteration of point about rebuilding Wooden Curtain to keep various violent religions out of Hampstead, such as the Buddhists and Jainists]

[Upholds right to kill violent religions with guns]

[Creepy sexual innuendo about female blood relative]

[Creepy non-sexual innuendo about unrelated female]

[Remark about opponents being caught in a compromising act involving a roll of softmints, two hookers and a goat]

[General blame apportioned to all Muslims for all terrorist acts]

[Remark about unwanted pregnancies caused by illegitimate rendezvous behind the bikesheds]

[Wild back-peddling about previous abortion remarks]

[Seemingly racist comments muttered under breath]


DISCLAIMER: All the views said, or rather un-said, in this article are entirely fictitious, as is the character purporting to say them.

Academies U-turn Spells Ease for Hampstead

It was announced today that the government has made a partial U-turn on its controversial academisation plans laid out in the last budget.

In a major concession, the government has said that good or outstanding schools will no longer be forced into becoming academies. This means that Hampstead School will no longer have to convert to academy status by 2020.

That said, where a council is judged to be consistently under-performing its schools might be compelled to become academies, or where a handful of schools are left in a local authority area that haven't already converted. However, Camden Council currently have a large number of schools, all but one not being academies, that consistently perform well, so this seems an unlikely course.

The move comes after threatened industrial action by headteachers against the plans. Education Secretary Nicky Morgan MP said: "We don't think it's necessary for there to be a blanket provision for schools to covert (sic) to become academies," after it was deemed unlikely that the initial plans would make it past a parliament vote. "This is about being a listening government and I would consider myself to be a listening secretary of state."

She said that it was "better to have reforms than have none at all", evidently having never heard of the old adage 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. "We absolutely support those strong local authorities where schools are good and outstanding - they can make the choice to convert."

The plans still mean that schools that fall short of Ofsted expectations, but may be valued for their sense of creativity and community, will still have to convert to academies.

Role Model for a Comedy Role

With the school's uniform propaganda banners looking a bit rough at the edges, Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye having to take a sudden and unexpected meeting with some accountants in South America, and a need to tart up the place before the inspectors arrive, we ask who is going to be the next poster-boy/girl/person-of-gender?

 (1) DoNaldé Trump (for his track record on saying the right thing)? (2) Xi Jin Ping (for his track record on human rights)? (3) Health Secretary Jeremy *unt (for his track record of saving lives)?

 (4) Abdi Garage? (5) Lawrence Fishburne (because he's in everything else)? (6) Boris 'The Rock' Johnson (because he's been in everyone else)?

(7) Louis Van Gaal? (8) The current President of the United States? (9) Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye again.

The Night Management

The school was awash with excitement today as students tried to grab a peek at the handsome and dashing Tom Hiddleston (you know, that guy from Sherlock).

The Son of Asgard was visiting the school with UNICEF to do meet and greet with a select few students to talk about educating refugees and children in deprived areas (no wonder they came to Hampstead). Also spotted as being in attendance was Minister for International Development Justine Greening MP, which is funny since she is part of a cabinet that just today was pressured into taking more lone children refugees by chairman of Kindertransport-Association of Jewish Refugees, who said it was “incumbent on us to provide sanctuary to those in need”, as well as other ministers at PMQs. This comes as a U-turn for the government, who had until this afternoon said they did not want to create an ‘incentive’.

Greening herself isn’t exactly a friend to underprivileged children; she voted for the recent bill to convert all schools to academies regardless of the benefits, against requiring consultation of parents before converting a school to an academy and voted to scrap support grants for university students. In fact, since 2010, she has only rebelled against the Tory whip eight times.

Hiddleston then did a piece to camera, although sources told the Trash that this had to be redone when the unmistakable loud flapping of lips interrupted the star as the Head walked into the room, speaking and laughing noisily. The students in the room were, naturally, silent.

Mayor-naise: Your Sauce of Electoral Nourishment

With the mayoral elections tomorrow, and just before the start of the exam season, we thought we would give a rundown of each of the candidates, specifically their views, actions and policy on education. For the sake of sanity, only the main five party candidates have been reviewed.

Back Zac and Crack (Con)

The recent changes to finance options for students means that studying at university in London could be almost impossible for young people who aren’t from a privileged background, however, Zac Goldsmith has defended his government's actions, saying: "The grant is becoming a loan, the loan facility is getting bigger and that’s the change,"

"I’m trying to work out what the Mayor could do to help students of all backgrounds to get the education and training they need. Looking at the tools the mayor has, there are two things: They can make sure we have provision in London for school places that we need. And the second thing is to work out what happens when skills and further education funding is devolved. I don’t think that power should sit finally with the mayor, it should bypass the major and go straight to local authorities." Seemingly, then, since he wants local authorities to have 'power' over educational funding, it would follow that he is against the government's plan to turn all schools into academies, and thus take their funding powers away from local authorities?

Not exactly. As an MP, Zac Goldsmith voted voted to enable the Government to intervene more swiftly in failing and "coasting" schools, a move by the Education Secretary that opened the door to the latest budget's massive reforms, as well as the Academies Bill in 2010, which allows schools to become academies a lot easier and without a strong reason for doing so. Also in parliament, he voted against the principle of prioritising spending money to create new school places where there is greatest need, and for raising tuition fees to a maximum of £9,000 a year (and then two years later voting against reducing tuition fees to £6,000, funded by reversing the corporation tax cut for banks).

Zac Goldsmith has said he is “torn” over whether London school curriculums should include compulsory sex education. He said he wanted comprehensive sex and relationship education for everyone but he supports free schools and their parent-set agendas.

He could not completely endorse mandatory sex education that would teach all children that it’s acceptable to be gay, saying “On the one level, I want the outcome that good quality sex and relationship education provides for all the obvious reasons. But on another level, I’m very strongly supportive of the government’s free schools agenda, which allows parents to set the ethos and the direction of schools. I think it’s the right policy.”

He did say he would, however, draw the line at schools teaching children that being gay would mean they went to hell. "For me that crosses a line," he said. "I mean it's not for me to accept or not, but I find it unacceptable that schools should be racially divisive, or religiously divisive or ethically divisive or sexually divisive. Anything that pits one part of the community against the other for me crosses the line."

In his manifesto, Zac Goldsmith has pledged that "100 primary schools will enjoy 'Pocket Farms' and healthy and sustainable food" (so nothing like the CaterLink dinners) in order to "raise chickens or learn outdoors" (or pigeons, if you enjoy them too), he will "pilot a new programme to support inner-London children to spend more time in the countryside, by twinning urban primary schools with rural farms" and "will ensure that by 2020, all London schools meet the nutritional standards set out in the Government's School Food Plan - and back the expansion of breakfast clubs and holiday clubs".

Bob the Builder - Yes We Khan (Lab)

Seemingly the polar opposite to Zac Goldsmith, Sadiq Khan says he "went to a good local state school, had an affordable university education, [...] Today’s Londoners don’t have the same opportunities we had, and it breaks my heart. But being disappointed about it is not enough. I want to do something about it."

And what is he going to do? In the Economist he called for "far more powers given to the mayor of London and to the boroughs; over skills and further education, over planning of school places and standards in London’s education system." In complete opposition to the recent Conservative moves, Khan said: "I want to devolve power down to local authorities. For example, on skills you have a situation where civil servants are deciding which courses further education colleges should be running. I think local authorities know far better what skills are needed in their area, rather than the mayor."

Reaffirming such plans in his manifesto, he also said that he would "develop a city-wide STEM strategy and establish a London STEM Commission to link schools with science jobs and careers",
"improve careers advice and to promote opportunities for children to get an early start in career skills [...] making sure all such advice and programmes are gender blind, creating equal opportunities for boys and girls" and "establish a construction academy scheme, with the housebuilding industry, to close the gap between our ambitious housing targets and the need for more skilled constriction [sic] workers in London."

In parliament, Sadiq Khan has voted against against scrapping grants for most new higher education students from England from September 2016, against enabling the Government to intervene more swiftly in failing or "coasting" schools, for the protection of the education budget in real terms, from the early years through to 19 years old and for urgent action to boost participation in sport and in favour of support for local grassroots sports clubs and associations.

In his manifesto, he has also stated that "today’s teachers are among the uncelebrated champions of our communities, but their job is getting tougher and tougher."

Sam's Endorsed - Caroline Pidgeon (Lib Dem)

Despite reportedly being a speaker for the Liberal Democrats on Education, as well as being a councillor in Southwark in charge of education, there is little detail about what Caroline Pidgeon has done in the past.

Pidgeon has been a Trustee of the Centre for Literacy in Primary Education since 2005, and one of her mayoral pledges is to improve education programmes to combat gang violence, including by installing youth workers in more hospital A&E departments. According to Construction manager Magazine, like Sadiq Khan, “Caroline Pidgeon’s plan to use devolved further education funding to create a construction skills academy is encouraging and builds upon the success of the tunnelling academy in Ilford."

In her belated manifesto, as well as the above pledge, Caroline Pidgeon said she would
"ensure a good school place of choice for every child, taking over responsibility from government for London’s school places and quality", tying in the lack of secondary school places with London's housing crisis and the ensuing overcrowding. She pledged thus to "co-ordinate the chaotic pattern of school places across borough boundaries and get London’s councils to work together to deliver more first choices for parents" and "use the London Plan process to ensure that more schools are delivered as part of redevelopment and regeneration schemes".

Caroline Pidgeon noted the current governmental changes to the education system, specifically the "weakening" of local authority roles in schools and the end of "parental involvement in governing" schools, but pledged that she would attempt to devolve as much power to London authorities as she could. One such way was to "establish a London-wide careers service, devolved from central government, to work with schools and other education and training providers".

The Power of Minority Idealism - Sian Berry (Green)

A local Camden councillor and a green party politician, a lot of Sian Berry's policies are geared towards the London student voter. Sian Berry wants to set an annual Student Living Rent, “Apart from fees and cuts, rents are the new way in which students are being impoverished and exploited. Young people in our universities desperately need a Student Living Rent because life is difficult enough for them already without the kind of extortionate charges many of them are being asked to pay". According to an initial estimate, the Student Living Rent for the capital would be £110 a week. Analysis suggests that the overwhelming majority of university-controlled accommodation in London would not qualify as affordable. According to the Green part, it will help students put pressure on academic institutions to provide at least half their accommodation at or below the Student Living Rent.

The mayoral proposals are part of wider Green policy of no fees, cancelling student debts, universal free education. Sian Berry said: "You don’t need me to tell you that the Government is hell-bent on marginalising the poorest people in every way they can, and the attacks they have made on access to higher education is one of the most damaging long-term parts of this."

Apart from university, Sian Berry has also outlined plans to install a deputy mayor for education and give local authorities a greater say in schools planning, saying: "We need more strategic planning for school places in London. I think the free school plans are failing", as well as saying publicly "like to see more publicity and education targeted at men and boys, however, and would be keen to work with feminist groups, teachers and other experts to further develop this and permanently change the culture so that there is more respect for women" in response to the question "If elected what would the candidates do to make London safer for women, especially at night, e.g. late tubes?"

On education generally, Sian Berry said that "Education should be about developing human beings not economic units."

Peter Whittled down (UKIP)

Peter Whittle is UKIP's spokesperson on culture, which seems to be a contradiction in terms. We tried to find his manifesto, but, despite multiple references from various reputable sources to such a document, we couldn't find it.

What may be indicative of his leanings over the education system in the UK are some of the speakers that have been invited to the think tank, the New Culture Forum, he founded; names include the (then) Education Secretary Michael Gove, as well as the (then) Culture, Media and Sport Secretary Jeremy Hunt (and erstwhile patron saint of Junior Doctors).

Thoughtless for the Week

Eagle-eyed students who are the select few who actually bother to look at the pointless rubbish put on the screens around school will have seen that this week's 'Thought for the Week' came in the form of a quote from none other than George Orwell:

"Freedom of the Press, if it means anything at all, means the freedom to criticise and oppose"

Of course, this doesn't apply to us. And, like any good dictator, the Head is above the law, and so above criticism and opposition. After all, how could you 'criticise' and 'oppose' something that can't be wrong?

It always amazes us how hilariously ironic the school can actually be. Perhaps, and here's a thought for the week, the school should heed its own quote and unblock us from the school servers, and make the media accessible to students in school truly free. Then again, it is only a thought, and one that is only worth something 'if it means anything', which at Hampstead it evidently doesn't.